How Would Escape To Victory Look if it Was Made Today?

Beloved sports/war film Escape to Victory sees the stars of the screen meet footballing icons, as Michael Caine assembles a football team from captives at a prisoner of war camp to take on the Germans in an exhibition match.

The film features an eclectic mix of household acting names plus an array of footballing finery from the 70s and 80s. Because why wouldn't you want to combine the brutal realities of a prisoner of war camp with the 1981 Ipswich Town squad?

The film was released almost 40 years ago and set in the midst of World War II. Unsurprisingly, times have changed pretty dramatically since then. So, after already 'remaking' footy film faves like ​Goal!, ​Bend It Like Beckham, ​Jimmy Grimble, Mike Bassett and ​Mean Machine for a new generation, how would Escape to Victory look if it was set in 2020?

The Setting

In the Film: A World War II prisoner of war camp.

In the Remake: Thinking of a lighthearted substitution for a prisoner of war camp is not as easy as it sounds...

The 2020 adaptation can instead be set in Scotland on Channel 4 special forces training show SAS Who Dares Wins.

German major Karl von Steiner will be replaced by everyone's favourite sweary ball of testosterone Ant Middleton, who will persuade the contestants to play the officers in a football match by asking them really nicely.

The Cast

The Original: The film boasts quite a selection of footballing cameos, including: Pele, former England captain Bobby Moore, Tottenham's silky Argentinian Ossie Ardiles and a selection of Bobby Robson's famous Ipswich Town team from the 1980s, including John Wark, Kevin Beattie, Russell Osman and Kevin O'Callaghan.

The Remake: Ronaldinho will deputise for Pele - rotten luck for the Brazilian, who's only just got himself out of Paraguayan prison and is suddenly thrust into the blood and thunder of SAS Who Dares Wins.

Son Heung-Min has the infectious energy of Ardiles and can step in for the former Spurs man. Son will take to SAS Who Dares Wins like a duck to water thanks to his stint with the South Korean military during national service. Ant Middleton will take a real shine to Son, and will demonstrate his affection by swearing loudly and repeatedly in his face.

Moore was into the twilight days of his illustrious playing career during the film, so Wayne Rooney would be the natural replacement for the World Cup-winning captain. However, we're on a budget here, so West Ham legend Moore can be replaced by his 2020 equivalent: Mark Noble.

Ipswich were one of the best sides in the country when the film was released in 1981, having won the UEFA Cup and missing out narrowly on the title that season. A fitting modern day replacement would perhaps be a Liverpool, a Manchester City or a Leicester.

But I think the film that everybody wants to see involves Paul Lambert's hapless League One squad mixing it with Ronaldinho and Son. John Wark, Kevin Beattie, Russell Osman and Kevin O'Callaghan are out, Cole Skuse, Alan Judge, James Norwood and Thomas Holy are in.

The Plot

In the Film: The Germans challenge the allies to a football match, and the allies plan to use the game as their means to escape from the harrowing prisoner of war camp. To do so, they need Sylvester Stallone's character Hatch in the team. However, he is in solitary confinement.

The allies convince the German soldiers that Hatch is their goalkeeper, but this means breaking the arm of first choice keeper Kevin O'Callaghan (actually a winger by trade) to enable Hatch to step in.

In the Remake: Middleton bullies the SAS trainees into a football match, and they cook up a plan to use the game as a way to escape harrowing Scotland.

Like the original, they'll need someone to pretend to be a goalkeeper to help them escape: Kyle Walker.

But it's 2020, no one breaks their arm anymore, that's just a fact. First choice goalkeeper Thomas Holy will need to sustain a much more modern injury; he'll rupture his ACL instead.

The Finale

In the Original: In a pretty dirty affair, the Allies are 4-1 down at the break, but have their escape mapped out for half time.

However, as the team are underground preparing to leave, Russell Osman steps in: "We can win this" he insists, and the team go out to play the second half instead.

Hatch saves a penalty and Pele scores an overhead kick to complete a remarkable comeback. The game finishes 4-4.

In the Remake: If it's a side coached by Ant Middleton, then the team of SAS officers will employ similarly rough tactics as those adopted by the Germans in the original. Middleton is a man from the Tony Pulis school of football; there'll be no tiki-taka in sight.

Mark Noble will be the man for the big occasion, rousing the team at half time and convincing them that they can turn it around. The poor guy's been at West Ham for 20 years and only has a couple of Championship playoff medals to show for it, he just wants to win something.

The team are persuaded, and go out for the second half, apart from Kyle Walker - he said something about needing to get back to his for some sort of party.

The midfield four of Mark Noble, Cole Skuse, Alan Judge and Ronaldinho finally click in the second half, and with the score at 4-3, there's only one way for a modern footballing comeback story to be completed.

Corner taken quickly.