How Would Mike Bassett: England Manager Look if it Was Made Today?

​Mike Bassett: England Manager is a cult favourite football mockumentary, based on the Graham Taylor documentary An Impossible Job. It follows Mike Bassett - an old fashioned football boss stuck in his ways - as he is handed the top job and takes over as manager of the England national team.

The film was released in 2001, when the state of the national game was considerably different. There was huge disharmony between England, the media and supporters, and the Three Lions were seen as perennial underachievers.

In the 19 years since, England continued to underwhelm for the vast majority. However, since the appointment of Gareth Southgate, the rift between the press, the team and the fans has been healed, culminating with England reaching the 2018 World Cup semi finals.

We've already recreated ​Goal!, ​Bend It Like Beckham, ​Jimmy Grimble and ​Mean Machine, so how would Mike Basset: England Manager look if it was made in 2020?

The Premise

In the Original: Mike Bassett is handed the England job after fictional England ​manager Phil Cope suffers a heart attack.

In the Adaptation: Gareth Southgate is fit as a fiddle, so no health problems would see him step down as England boss. The only reason Southgate would surrender the England job would be to help those in need. 

The poor.

The hungry.

Middlesbrough FC.

Southgate still feels a twinge of guilt about sending Middlesbrough down in 2009, and with the club currently precariously placed in the lower echelons of the Championship and staring at a potential relegation, Southgate can't turn down the chance to save the club he loves. 

Southgate brings in Afonso Alves and Jeremie Aliadiere for old times sake and begins the Boro rescue mission, leaving a big managerial vacancy to fill at St George's Park.

Mike Bassett

In the Original: Mike Bassett has enjoyed a stellar career in the lower tiers of English football. He manages second tier side Norwich City, and has just guided the club to the Mr Clutch Cup.

In the Adaptation: Sitting rock bottom of the Premier League and boasting the likes of Grant Hanley, Kenny McClean and Sam Byram, Norwich are far too glamorous for Mike Bassett to be managing today.

Instead, he'd be in charge at League One outfit Portsmouth, fresh from victory in the Leasings.com Trophy final against Salford City.

The Hiring

In the Original: The FA assess all the potential candidates for the job, listing all the English options for the job and hitting a snag with each one.

In the Adaptation: "Chris Wilder? What a job he's done at Sheffield United. Two promotions and challenging for Europe in their first season back in the Premier League."

"The man's a boyhood Sheffield United fan. He's not leaving his dream job for anything, unless we start playing our home games at Brammall Lane."

"Steve Bruce?"

"The guy's a phenomenally successful author. He can't prioritise the England job. Those crime novels aren't going to write themselves."

"Roy Hodgson?"

"We've tried that before."

"Brendan Rodgers?"

"He's Northern Irish."

Sean Dyche, Eddie Howe, Nigel Pearson, Dean Smith and even Garry Monk are all ruled out for various reasons, leaving only one fit candidate for the job: Portsmouth manager Mike Bassett.​

The Footballing Philosophy

In the Original: Mike Bassett is an old fashioned football guy. "Ladies and gentlemen. England will be playing 4-4-f******-2"

In the Adaptation: In today's game, 4-4-2 is more outdated than ever, meaning it will definitely be Bassett's formation of choice. 

He'll have no time for these modern day fancy fullbacks bombing forward and not giving defending a second thought. Trent Alexander-Arnold is out, Phil Bardsley's in (despite being Scottish). 

The Team Selection

In the Original: Bassett writes his team on the back of a cigarette packet. This leads to third tier players Tony Hedges and Ron Benson being selected, as the FA mistake the cigarette packaging for names.

In the Adaptation: We can't be promoting smoking in 2020, so Bassett will vape instead like a cool kid, and write his team selection on the back of fast food packaging. As a result, Rotherham defender Shaun MacDonald will accidentally be called up (despite being Welsh).

The Cameos

In the Original: ​The film has some unbelievable cameos. Pele has superb comic timing, broadcast journalist Martin Bashir narrates the entire thing, and Atomic Kitten feature to perform England's World Cup song.

In the Adaptation: Martin Bashir would be replaced by Louis Theroux (pipping Stacey Dooley to the role), and he would absolutely throw himself into the role, taking up the position as kit man to fully immerse himself into the England squad.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain would call in a favour with partner Perrie Edwards, and Little Mix would remix Shout Out to My Ex for England's World Cup squad, and the team would dedicate it to former boss Gareth Southgate.

The Finale

In the Original: England, still winless under Bassett, and on the verge of crashing out of the World Cup, face Argentina. England are still reeling from losses to Argentina at the 1986 and 1998 World Cups. Fake Gazza comes off the bench and scores a Maradona-esque Hand of God goal to win it at the death and send England through to the knock out stages.

In the Adaptation: England's footballing beef with Argentina has mellowed in recent years, with Germany the nation the Three Lions are still most bitter about following the cruel 2010 World Cup exit.

There's no Hand of God goal today - VAR would rule that out in an instant. Instead, Jordan Henderson scores a Frank Lampard-esque strike from distance, bouncing in off the bar and ruled as a goal thanks to goal line technology.

Unfortunately, VAR then intervene, and it turns out the ball had brushed Henderson's hand in the build up. The goal is disallowed, the game finished as a draw and England are out.

And Middlesbrough get relegated. Never leave us, Gareth.