How to Sell the Entire Barcelona Squad - Because it's a Mess
By Sean Walsh
The scriptwriters at Gazprom Headquarters are really spoiling us with all of these amazing Champions League narratives - but none have been more compelling than the complete meltdown of Futbol Club Barcelona.
Barcelona didn't need a tonking in front of a global audience in order to undertake a complete club overhaul, but it was nice of them to oblige.
And while a lot of their problems run deep at the club, the board have put the entirety of the senior squad bar four players (Lionel Messi, Marc-André ter Stegen, Clément Lenglet and Frenkie de Jong) up for sale, according to Sport.
In fairness to the guys upstairs at Camp Nou, we've all done the same after a big defeat on Football Manager, and Barcelona fans need to understand that this is a great decision in search of comedy in this sport.
So where could all of La Blaugrana's players go? Why would teams buy them after such a humiliating showing? Can they run ten miles to the gallon? Like a used car salesman working out of Alabama, slapping the hood of the shoddy second-hand vehicle he's desperately trying to sell, let's look at how Barça could offload their stock.
Goalkeeper
Neto
Age: 31
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €20m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona’s Poor Negotiating Team: €15m
Sales Pitch: Has only played five games for Barcelona so this quite clearly isn't his fault
On the Other Hand: His real name is Norberto
Linked Clubs: None yet but the window is young, baby
Defenders
Nelson Semedo tonight... pic.twitter.com/3y6BtRARuN
— PF | Transfer News (@PurelyFootball) August 14, 2020
Nélson Semedo
Age: 26
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €35m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona’s Poor Negotiating Team: €25m
Sales Pitch: Didn't get megged by Alphonso Davies
On the Other Hand: Got burned by Alphonso Davies
Linked Clubs: Manchester City
Gerard Piqué
Age: 33
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: Free to get him off the wage bill
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona’s Poor Negotiating Team: Somehow end up paying clubs to take him away
Sales Pitch: Has won a hundred million trophies in a glittering career as one of football's finest defenders
On the Other Hand: Plays like Richard Keogh
Linked Clubs: FC Andorra, Gimnàstic Manresa (both of whom he owns)
Jordi Alba
Age: 31
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €40m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona’s Poor Negotiating Team: €25m
Sales Pitch: Look at all the times he's made that run down the left wing for Messi to find him with a through ball
On the Other Hand: Other clubs won't have Messi
Linked Clubs: Wherever Messi might go
Sergi Roberto
Age: 28 (28???)
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €30m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona’s Poor Negotiating Team: €20m
Sales Pitch: Looks like an even handsomer John Krasinski
On the Other Hand: Plays like him, too
Linked Clubs: Manchester City
Samuel Umtiti
Age: 26
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €40m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €25m
Sales Pitch: World Cup winner; actually a decent defender
On the Other Hand: Has the fitness record of Ledley King
Linked Clubs: Manchester United, Arsenal, West Ham, Everton
Junior Firpo
Age: 23
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €25m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €20m
Sales Pitch: Not a horrendous footballer
On the Other Hand: Is a disciple of Quique Setién, and will therefore be found guilty of his results by association
Linked Clubs: Inter
Midfielders
Btw did I mention how genuinely happy I am that Rakitic didn't play yesterday. Man would've been slaughtered & blamed right, left & center for everything, like always.
— Saad™️ (@Dostoeyevsky) August 15, 2020
Ivan Rakitić
Age: 32
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €20m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €10m if they're lucky
Sales Pitch: Once scored a goal in a Champions League final
On the Other Hand: That was like 27 years ago
Linked Clubs: Arsenal, Sevilla
Sergio Busquets
Age: 32
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €20m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: See Pique
Sales Pitch: 'If you watch the game, you don't see Busquets, but if you watch Busquets, you see the whole game'
On the Other Hand: Whoever came up with that quote may as well have said 'live, laugh, love'; has the turning circle of Mr Plow (the man and the vehicle)
Linked Clubs: Barcelona B, probably
❝QUOTABLE❞ | @kingarturo23 pic.twitter.com/rUuYRrhtzm
— FC Barcelona (@FCBarcelona) August 14, 2020
Arturo Vidal
Age: 33
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €20m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €15m
Sales Pitch: His hair is streamlined to make him run faster
On the Other Hand: Would still lose to Alan Hutton in a race
Linked Clubs: PSG
Forwards
Luis Suárez
Age: 33
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €35m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €25m
Sales Pitch: It's been a while since his last controversy
On the Other Hand: Well overdue another controversy
Linked Clubs: Ajax
Ousmane Dembélé
Age: 23
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €60m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €45m
Sales Pitch: He's probably really bored of Fortnite by now so he might focus on staying fit and playing football next season
On the Other Hand: Fall Guys just came out
Linked Clubs: Manchester United
Antoine Griezmann
Age: 29
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €50m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €45m
Sales Pitch: Has finished on the Ballon d'Or podium twice
On the Other Hand: Good lord what a horrendous signing he has been
Linked Clubs: PSG
Martin Braithwaite
Age: 29
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market: €15m
Realistic Sale Price in Current Market for Barcelona's Poor Negotiating Team: €10m
Sales Pitch: Not even joking lads, he might have had a good game against Bayern because they played such a high line
On the Other Hand: Looks like a West Ham/Turkish Super Lig signing if I've ever seen one
Linked Clubs: Not even joking lads, West Ham
By our calculations, Barcelona have around €475m worth of talent up for sale, and would only see about €345m because of the incompetence at board level.
In terms of wages...it's a lot. There isn't a reputable source on how much each player makes, but it's been reported in the past (and on FM20) that Griezmann alone makes in the region of €800,000-a-week. That would be €41.6m a year off the books alone if Barcelona can find a suitor.
All this just to sign Lautaro Martinez and Eric Garcia. Good job.