A wise man once said: "Catch all of the constantly happening football here! It's all here and it's all football, always! It is impossible to keep track of all the football but your best chance is here!"
And by 'here', he of course meant at 90min, where your weekly dose of Premier League hot takes are waiting after another weekend of the constantly happening football!
Manchester City - Need an ungraceful striker to become the complete team
No one expected Man City to stroll to a third Premier League title in four years after they were thrashed 5-2 at home by Leicester at the start of the season. No one expected John Stones to become the player he always promised to be. No one expected Ilkay Gundogan to suddenly turn into prime Frank Lampard.
And yet this team doesn't feel like they're at their peak again yet, even once Kevin De Bruyne returns from injury. Their 3-0 win over a rubbish Spurs side felt like a mercy killing - the City teams of recent years would have endeavoured to put seven or eight past a team so ripe for for the taking.
Gabriel Jesus is a semi-decent poacher, but City just need someone to whack the ball in at any angle instead of trying to achieve the perfect one. An Erling Haaland, a Romelu Lukaku, a Harry Kane...
Manchester United - The real United are showing their colours
After going 13 Premier League games unbeaten in the winter to sneak into the title race, it's nice to know that the modern Manchester United remembered that they're not quite at that level yet.
Bruno Fernandes and his attacking cohort are quite obviously amazing (even if some others aren't in form), but a soft underbelly was always going to be their downfall. Still, at least they're in a decent position to properly challenge for the FA Cup and Europa League.
Leicester City - The new member of the big six
The Foxes were just about treading water for much of their 3-1 victory against Liverpool on Saturday, but when they needed to move in for the kill, they did just that.
Their big game record has been exemplary this season, beating the Reds, Man City, Tottenham, Arsenal and Chelsea - they're part of the big six now. Respect them.
Chelsea - Kepa Arrizabalaga is NOT back
This shouldn't be a hot take. But since everyone has been quick to praise the most expensive goalkeeper in the history of football for making a few saves for the first time in three years, it is.
Don't be fooled by a clean sheet against one of the worst attacking teams in the league.
West Ham - The spitting image of David Moyes' Everton
I've long been trying to figure out who David Moyes' West Ham remind me of, because it certainly isn't a West Ham team.
But it does seem to be a Moyes one, reminiscent of his resilient Everton sides who were always a handful in the late 2000s and early 2010s. The emperor has found his new groove.
Liverpool - Falling apart like Jurgen Klopp's Borussia Dortmund
Losing a player like Virgil van Dijk (and all of his understudies) will undoubtedly harm a team, but come on - there's still obviously quality in this Liverpool side.
The cycle just looks like it's over, though. The Reds will find it hard to break back into the top four now that they've dropped out of it, and saving themselves from complete self-destruction like Klopp's Dortmund in 2014/15 will be the real test for the 'mentality monsters'.
Everton - Stuck in purgatory
Every time you think Everton have turned a corner, they go and do something really befitting of Everton. Like lose 2-0 at home to Fulham for no reason.
Even Carlo Ancelotti can't stop the Toffees from pulling this kind of nonsense off. The good news is they still have two games in hand and are in the FA Cup quarter-finals, so every cloud.
You're still thinking about the bad news, aren't you?
Aston Villa - Run of games in hand will not be kind
Villa's form in 2021 has been rather patchy, but so has everyone else's in fairness. What's going to make life tougher for Dean Smith's side though is their games in hand giving them fixture congestion similar to that of a side already in Europe.
They had as many as four in hand earlier in the season, and though that's now whittled down to two, their draw at Brighton showed they're running on empty.
Tottenham - Time to go, Jose Mourinho
What's the point of a 'winner' if they're not going to win?
Arsenal - Bukayo Saka deserves better
If Arsenal don't return to the Champions League within the next couple of years, then superstar-in-waiting Saka should be demanding a move to a top club.
Sorry, Gunners fans. I know you've been waiting a while for some hope and optimism, but this kid just offers you too much of that.
Leeds United - What the hell does Marcelo Bielsa do all week?
For Leeds to be firmly in mid-table when a lot of pre-season predictions had them at either end of the table isn't very characteristic of the club or their coach.
However, for Marcelo Bielsa to study tapes of the opposition for 800 hours a week to go 4-0 down to such an uninspiring Arsenal side begs the question - is the analysis really worth it?
Wolves - Pedro Neto is a star
Last week I championed Wolves as the most boring team in the league, and if not for young Pedro Neto, they'd be absolutely stinking at the moment.
A big move surely awaits him once he carries Nuno Espirito Santo's side to an ungraceful mid-table finish.
Southampton - Need an FA Cup run to salvage the season
How do you bounce back from two 9-0 defeats in two seasons? By going on a memorable cup run, because even a decent league finish might not be achievable at this point for the struggling Saints.
Crystal Palace - Relegated once Wilfried Zaha leaves
If the 'Ewing Theory' is when a team gets inexplicably better without their best player, then the 'Zaha Theory' is when a team not only gets worse without them, but so bad that they look completely unrecognisable and lose 3-0 at home to Burnley.
Who the hell loses 3-0 at home to Burnley? Not a Wilfried Zaha team, that's who.
Brighton - A decent striker away from actually being a tough team
It's not a surprise to anyone at this point that Brighton can rack up a million shots and still not score, but they managed to pin an impressive Aston Villa side back all game on Saturday.
With just any sort of presence up front, they'd be much higher in the table. Get it together, Neal.
Burnley - Don't forget, they're here forever
Every season Burnley seem to fool everyone into thinking this will be the year they finally get relegated, but once again, they seem to have plucked some results out of thin air before any danger really set in.
They're never, ever, ever going back down.
Newcastle - Will get relegated without Callum Wilson
The same probably can't be said for Newcastle, who look totally pointless without an actual striker leading the line.
90min reported last week that they've been offered the chance to sign Daniel Sturridge, but he'd have to bring back his 2013/14 form if he's to save Newcastle from being sucked into a relegation dogfight.
Fulham - Will survive with Josh Maja
But Newcastle's loss is Fulham's gain, and they are looking much, much better with a real centre forward.
Scott Parker has turned the Cottagers into a tidy outfit, and now that goals have arrived in the form of Maja, they should put up a real fight to survive.
West Bromwich Albion - Too little, too late
Congratulations to Big Sam's West Brom for not looking utterly horrendous. It's a shame you're already 12 points adrift.
Sheffield United - It's over
Sorry, Blades fans. Your team works hard, they're real grafters, and what they achieved last year was amazing. But it's back to the Championship with you.
Get well soon, John Egan.