Deciding the Premier League With 'Goalie Wars' - the Only Fair Solution
By Sean Walsh
From Gordon Taylor saying matches could be played with halves shorter than 45 minutes to enticing fans with an app to send cheers or jeers, there have been some real knucklehead ideas to try and bring football back prematurely.
You'd have thought that someone would have a bit of common sense and step in, but alas, here we are. So why not keep the nonsense rolling then, eh? Why should we stop at these circus gimmicks? Why not have Mike Dean referee every match on a unicycle? Have Sean Dyche manage in a colourful wig and big red nose?
If you're going to bend 'sporting integrity' until you lose both the sporting and integrity parts of it, you may as well go full novelty. You know who do novelty the best? ...Americans.
Back in the 1990s, while the USA were trying to get the public to get into soccer, they implemented some unique aspects to the sport. The most famous example is the hockey-style penalty shootouts, but the more thrilling one was 'Goalie Wars'.
Two keepers would battle it out on a smaller pitch as they tried to throw the ball into the opposition goal.
90min's Ali Rampling has already looked at some other ways to conclude the Premier League season, but let's take a deep dive into how the table would look if it came down to a Goalie Wars tournament.
THE SEEDING
Obviously you can't make a knockout tournament with 20 teams in it, so we're dividing the league into two sections - a championship section and a relegation section.
Points-per-game will be the tiebreaker to decide final standings once teams have been eliminated (which doesn't matter too much because there were only four teams affected). Teams will be drawn in a playoff system, with the top seed playing the bottom seed and so on.
That gives us the following fixtures for the title playoffs...
...and the relegation playoffs...
Let's get stuck in.
THE RELEGATION PLAYOFFS
Our first match-up sees Watford take on Norwich. Tim Krul, proudly boasting a custom WWE Championship belt to recognise he holds the Premier League record for most saves in a game, enters the pitch for the Canaries (his walkout music is Jump by Van Halen).
But Nigel Pearson has sussed that Ben Foster's time-wasting wouldn't be useful in this scenario (yes, I'm a bitter Tottenham fan).
Instead, he wheels out a 39-year-old Heurelho Gomes - who nearly completed the crossbar challenge with a long throw, pretty much the only weapon in his goalkeeping arsenal - in his place.
Krul doesn't want this smoke. The Octopus™ throws everything past the flying Dutchman, keeps everything out. Watford are through to the final, Norwich are relegated.
Eddie Howe likes the look of Bournemouth's matchup with Aston Villa, until he remembers Dean Smith can call upon Pepe Reina. He wipes the floor with GTA V NPC Aaron Ramsdale to send the Cherries down.
But it's a short-lived celebration for Villa and Reina, who also fall to Pearson's Octopus (even though he keeps calling him 'The Ostrich'). Villa down, Watford survive - Pearson masterminds yet another great escape.
TITLE PLAYOFFS - ROUND OF 16
Time for the big boys.
The standout fixture from the first round is a north London derby - a chance for Mikel Arteta and Jose Mourinho to somehow sign this season off as a success.
The Spaniard has been training Bernd Leno intensely, making him studying clips of Hugo Lloris like he's got his eyes taped back in A Clockwork Orange. Nothing could be left to chance.
Mourinho knew a disciple of Pep Guardiola would do this, however. He throws Arteta the ultimate curveball - he drops Lloris for Paulo Gazzaniga.
Unfortunately, Mourinho's attempts at a tactical masterclass backfire (as they often do nowadays) as it turns out that Gazzaniga is much worse than Lloris, and Leno takes the easy win for Arsenal.
Respect, respect man.
Elsewhere in the first round, Nuno Espirito Santo brought himself out of retirement to ensure Rui Patricio wasn't man-handled by Nick Pope, while Kepa Arrizabalaga and Jordan Pickford were both eliminated to make this strictly a competition for big tall blokes.
Round of 16 summary:
Liverpool (Alisson) def. West Ham (Fabianski)
Man City (Ederson) def. Brighton (Ryan)
Leicester (Schmeichel) def. Southampton (Gunn)
Newcastle (Dubravka) def. Chelsea (Arrizabalaga)
Man Utd (De Gea) def. Everton (Pickford)
Sheff Utd (Henderson) def. Crystal Palace (Guaita)
Wolves (Nuno) def. Burnley (Pope)
Arsenal (Leno) def. Tottenham (Gazzaniga)
QUARTER-FINALS
All of Arteta's eccentric coaching methods are no match for Alisson, who swats Leno aside with ease to keep Liverpool's run going.
David De Gea is surprised to come up against Martin Dubravka instead of his compatriot Arrizabalaga, but nevertheless, #DaveSaves. Ole's at the wheel and all that.
Kasper Schmeichel knocks out Deano Hendo in a thriller, comforting his young opponent afterwards and telling the media that he's the best goalkeeper he's ever come up against (you know, in the same sort of way Pep Guardiola does about teams he's just smashed 6-0).
The great seven-foot and three-hundred pound Nuno finally meets his match - a goalkeeper with 20 in every attribute on Football Manager. Ederson and his smiley face tattoo are into the semi-finals.
SEMI-FINALS
In the first semi-final, Solskjaer calls on De Gea to inflict Liverpool's biggest misery in years by denying them title. He's in the dressing room blaring out 'MAN UNITED TOP 10 CHANTS [HD]' from YouTube.
It doesn't help. Alisson throws a million balls in at the Spaniard's near post. Liverpool are through to the final.
Meanwhile, Schmeichel gets a taste of his own medicine when Ederson puts six past him and Guardiola tells the media that the Dane is the best goalkeeper he's ever come up against.
Still, at least Leicester and United are into the Champions League.
FINAL
A great rivalry renewed, the champions vs the challengers, blue vs red, bald manager vs hairy manager, Brazilian keeper vs Brazilian keeper.
Until Alisson injures himself in the warm-up. Oh no. It's happening again.
Adrian goes out to warm-up. He too gets injured. The stars are aligning.
Jurgen Klopp turns round to see only one goalkeeper left, the man whose loan was cut short at Besiktas, who now has a chance at redemption - it's Loris Karius.
What choice does Klopp have? He has to play him.
Incentivised by the chance at redemption, at immortal glory, to prove he's a good player after all, Karius puts in the performance of his life.
Sadly for him, this is the best goalkeeper FM has ever seen he's up against (and FM is never wrong, folks).
The score is tied at 5-5. Each goalkeeper has one throw left apiece.
Karius prepares to throw his final effort, but someone in the crowd catches his eye - Karim Benzema. Muscle memory kicks in; Karius throws it at the Frenchman, who heads it back towards Liverpool's goal and it trickles over the line.
6-5. Ouch. Karius now has to punch Ederson's final throw back into the City goal to force sudden death.
It's a real stinger, flying through the air at a gazillion miles an hour, but Karius is ready - it's like time has frozen, he can track the ball's flight path like a Liverpool fan tracking a transfer target's flight.
But then his eye quickly notices another figure in attendance - Gareth Bale. Karius fluffs his punch into his own goal. Liverpool's dream is over again.
FINAL LEAGUE TABLE
1. Manchester City
2. Liverpool
3. Leicester City
4. Manchester United
5. Sheffield United
6. Wolves
7. Arsenal
8. Newcastle United
9. Chelsea
10. Tottenham
11. Burnley
12. Crystal Palace
13. Everton
14. Southampton
15. Brighton
16. West Ham United
17. Watford
18. Aston Villa
19. Bournemouth
20. Norwich City
Guardiola and his side prepare to receive the trophy, but before they can hold it aloft, the Premier League announce they've had a look into City's Financial Fair Play reports, and like UEFA, have also found they have been breached.
City are stripped of the league and the title is awarded on alphabetical order instead.
Everyone go home.