90min's Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 29 - 30 Rock Special

Following a week in which:

- David McGoldrick FINALLY scored.

- Virgil van Dijk FINALLY made a mistake.

- The Portuguese league season FINALLY ended.

- Football fans FINALLY found out just how pointless FFP is.

We at 90min, using quotes from Tina Fey's classic comedy 30 Rock, rank the 15 best teams in Europe.

15. Sassuolo (New Entry)

"Here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week."

Despite having literally nothing to play for, Sassuolo are playing like they have literally everything to play for.

In the past week alone they've beaten Lazio (who are now sh*t), and mounted an incredible comeback to draw 3-3 with Juventus. Impressive stuff.

14. Arsenal (Re-Entry)

"Oh, yeah, for now. But the Beeper’s gonna be making a comeback. Technology’s cyclical."

Oh, yeah, Arsenal aren't a particularly good football team, for now. But with five players under 20 scoring for them in the Premier League this season, they could be set to make a comeback.

Football's cyclical.

13. Atletico Madrid (-)

"We have a show tonight. I’ve never missed a show. Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.”

Atletico Madrid might be the most boring team to watch in the history of mankind, but you can't fault their work ethic. They're dialled in week in, week out and never give less than 100%...because if they did Diego Simeone would probably behead them.

12. Tottenham Hotspur (Up 2)

“Listen up fives, a ten is speaking.”

There are plenty of five out of ten footballers playing for Tottenham at the moment.

Eric Dier, Ben Davies, Harry Winks...the list goes on and on and on.

But they also have a ten in their ranks.

His name is Harry Kane, he's scored 201 club goals, and if his ankles hold up he'll score another 201 more.

11. Juventus (Down 2)

"Lemon, you look terrible, and I once watched you eat oysters while you had a cold."

Juventus, you look terrible, you haven't won in three and you've conceded more goals this season than you have in any of the last eight.

How are you still top of the league? How?!

'Lazio and Inter are bottlers.'

Oh yeah...fair enough.

10. Barcelona (Up 1)

"I didn't get a bathroom door that looks like a wall by not being good at business."

Barcelona didn't get to the point where they needed an €800m loan from Goldman Sachs by not being good at business...they got to that point by being absolutely hopelessly bad at business.

9. Sheffield United (Re-Entry)

"Factories provide three things this country desperately needs: jobs, pride, and material for Bruce Springsteen songs."

Sheffield United provide three things the Premier League desperately needs: overlapping centre backs, David McGoldrick and an underdog we can all route for.

8. Liverpool (Down 5)

"I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland."

Virgil van Dijk only makes a mistake once a year. And luckily for Liverpool, it's after they win the Premier League title in a meaningless game against Arsenal.

Blushes = spared.

7. Manchester United (Down 2)

"I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut."

4. Leicester City. Points: 59.
5. Manchester United. Points: 59.
6. Wolves. Points: 56.
7. Tottenham Hotspur. Points: 55.

Only one team above can qualify for the 2020/21 Champions League.

And, at the moment, it looks like that team will be Manchester United.

6. AC Milan (-)

"A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory."

AC Milan are causing Serie A defences serious trouble in recent weeks by doing one simple thing: shooting.

Shooting from everywhere; all of the time.

Since the restart, the revolutionary tactic of 'kicking the ball toward the net' around 17.4 times per game has led to I Rossoneri scoring a whopping 20 goals in their last seven games.

5. Manchester City (Up 4)

“No. I wasn’t going to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made.”

With FFP now clearly completely pointless, Manchester City can do whatever they want this summer.

If they want to sign a back-up full back for £80m to warm their bench - they can.

If they want to buy another club out in far east Asia - they can.

If they want to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made - they can.

4. Porto (Re-Entry)

"I don't know a lot about business. But he did an internet and now the computers like him and Wall Street is Google."

I don't know a lot about the Primeira Liga. But Porto beat Sporting CP and now they're the champions and Benfica are sad.

3. Real Madrid (Up 1)

 “I’m doing this so no one will know I’m getting old.”

Sergio Ramos has scored 12 goals in all competitions this season at the age of 34.

He's having the footballing equivalent of a mid-life crisis - only it's, you know, a really good thing.

2. Bayern Munich (-)

"What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law."

What every club in Europe needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare to watch Bayern Munich win 10 consecutive trebles now that they have Leroy Sane on their books.

1. Atalanta (-)

"I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to."

Atalanta have scored 93 league goals this season.

Atalanta have scored 4+ goals in 10 different games this season.

Atalanta have scored 23 more goals than Juventus this season.

Gian Piero Gasperini tells his team to go out and thump whoever they're playing, and they pretty much just do that - week in, week out.