Following a week in which:
- Bayern Munich CONTINUED to win trophies.
- Atalanta CONTINUED to score bazillions of goals.
- Liverpool players CONTINUED to neck vodka by the gallon in celebration of their league title.
- Mason Greenwood CONTINUED to strike a football purer than anyone else in the universe despite being about four days old.
We at 90min, using quotes from Netflix original series 'Russian Doll', rank the 15 best teams in Europe - this time, on a Thursday. What a concept.
15. Inter (Down 4)
"The universe is trying to f**k with me and I refuse to engage."
The universe is trying to f**k with Interisti at the moment and they should refuse to engage.
Because better times are just round the corner.
Lautaro Martinez is staying, Achraf Hakimi is signing and your world class midfield trio will be back to full fitness in no time.
It'll be all gravy soon. Trust me.
14. Tottenham Hotspur (Re-Entry)
“This is not good or bad. It’s just a bug. It’s like if a program keeps crashing, you know? The crashing is just a symptom of a bug in the code. If the deaths are us crashing, then that moment is the bug that we need to go and fix.”
Tottenham's 1-0 win over Everton wasn't good or bad - it was both.
Winning game was good (obviously) but the performance was bad. Really bad.
So bad in fact that it's explicitly obvious that there is something seriously wrong at the club that Jose Mourinho and co. need to go into the transfer market and fix - ASAP.
13. Atletico Madrid (Down 1)
"Fun is for suckers"
Let's face it, no one enjoys watching Atletico Madrid.
It's not fun.
Never has been. Never will be.
But who cares about fun when you're unbeaten in your last 15 games? Not Diego Simeone, that's for sure.
12. Burnley (New Entry)
"Sometimes Hail Marys are the best Marys we got."
In recent week's Sean Dyche's tactics have reverted from 'hoof it long and hope the ball bounces off someone's noggin' and into the net' to 'ehhh...let's just let Nick Pope do all the work.'
And that tactical change hasn't been a bad idea at all, because Pope has been in inspired form since the restart.
11. Barcelona (Re-Entry)
"I'm not fine."
Two wins on the bounce, one point of league leaders Real Madrid, and just relegated your inner-city rivals. All good at Barcelona then?
No, no, not at all. And here's semi-regular DEPR contributor Chris Deeley to tell you why.
10. SSC Napoli (Re-Entry)
"Life is a box of timelines, ya feel me?"
In some alternative timeline SSC Napoli pipped Juventus to the Scudetto in 2018, Maurizio Sarri is still their coach, and they're on for their third consecutive double.
But in the timeline we're currently living through, Napoli, well, aren't. And while that sucks - for obvious reasons - I Partenopei is a still a pretty damn good football team, having won the Coppa Italia this season. Ya feel me?
9. Manchester City (Up 5)
“A very tough lady, who looked like if Andrew Dice Clay and the girl from Brave had a baby.”
On their day, Manchester City look like the team that would be spawned if Arrigo Sacchi's AC Milan and Pep Guardiola's Barcelona had a baby.
ON THEIR DAY.
Other times however, they look like the team that would be spawned if Unai Emery's Arsenal and Zdenek Zeman's Roma had a baby. And it's this inconsistency that has cost them their Premier League title this season.
8. Juventus (Down 1)
"Humanity...a little bit overrated, no?"
Juventus' defence...a little bit overrated, no?
Without Matthijs de Ligt at the back in midweek, Juve's defence was, no exaggeration, ABSOLUTELY HOPELESS.
Despite his age and relative inexperience, it's now clear that La Vecchia Signora's defensive fortunes rest solely on the shoulders of a big baby-face man-child from the Netherlands. Without him, they are ABSOLUTELY HOPELESS.
7. Chelsea (Down 2)
"I feel like f**king Rocky right now."
Chelsea are the Premier League's answer to Rocky.
'They're the lil underdog that could?'
No, no, no.
They have absolutely no defence, never stop moving forward, and every single one of their matches is must-watch tv.
6. AC Milan (New Entry)
"Thank you for changing my life. Lives are hard to change."
AC Milan are...good...?
Putting four past Juventus and three past Lazio in the space of a week seems to suggest that they are.
These results were made possible by Stefano Pioli, who has done a superb job unifying a club that have been - in no uncertain terms - a complete shambles for the last decade.
So how have the club thanked Pioli for changing their fortunes?
Well, by giving his job to someone else...obviously....
5. Manchester United (Up 1)
“You can eat anything, take anything, do anything. It’s impossible to destroy you."
Mason Greenwood can score any type of goal, dribble past any defender, do anything. He is impossibly good, and Man Utd look damn near unbeatable when he's in the starting XI.
Believe the hype.
4. Real Madrid (-)
"It's my bad attitude that keeps me young."
Love him or hate him, you can't deny that Sergio Ramos is one of the greatest centre backs of all time.
And although he's in his mid-30s, the Real Madrid captain doesn't look to be slowing down anytime soon - bagging his tenth (yes, tenth. Yes, he's a centre back. Yes, it's mad) league goal of the season to earn Los Blancos another 1-0 win in mid-week.
3. Liverpool (Down 2)
“Hey, bartendress! Hello. Uh, more drunk please.”
Despite being on the bender to end all benders since they won the league title, being completely smashed/hungover/both hasn't really affected Liverpool's performances.
Sure, they lost to Man City, but they've won both games since, and the fact that they are able to win while using the 'water breaks' as 'Jaeger bomb breaks' is mightily impressive.
2. Bayern Munich (-)
“Nothing in this world is easy, except pissing in the shower.”
Nothing in this world is easy, except for beating Bayer Leverkusen in a cup final.
That is easy.
1. Atalanta (Up 2)
"Go with purpose. Triggers other people's curiosity."
For months, we at DEPR have flirted with putting Atalanta at the top of the Definitive European Power Rankings.
We've put them fifth, fourth, third and second in the rankings and now, FINALLY, after 10 long months the little club from Bergamo - with a budget the size of a mid-table Championship club - have made it to the very top.
And it's no more than they deserve.
Simply put, Atalanta have been the best team in Europe since football's restart.
They've won every single game (six wins in six), bagged a whopping 14 goals, and could now feasibly win the Scudetto - providing they beat Juventus at the weekend.