Following a week in which:
- AC Milan won AGAIN.
- Bayern Munich proved their the best team in Europe AGAIN.
- Ross Barkley played weirdly well AGAIN.
We at 90min, using quotes from the very best films of 2007, rank the 15 best teams in Europe AGAIN.
15. Manchester United (New Entry)
"We haven't located us yet." (The Darjeeling Limited)
Does anyone know what Manchester United are?
They were thumped 6-1 by Tottenham Hotspur - a result which indicates that they're a terrible football team - but they then beat last season's Champions League finalists PSG 2-1 - a result which indicates that they're a great football team.
It's confusing. We're confused.
14. Shakhtar Donetsk (New Entry)
"One name, who are you? Seal?" (Superbad)
Like Seal, Cher, and Prince, Tete is so good that they only named him once.
The 20-year-old put in a star making performance in midweek, and will certainly be on the radar of Europe's top clubs.
13. West Ham United (Re-Entry)
"That's the coolest f**king story I've ever heard in my entire life! That's insane. Is it...can I hear it again, do you have time?" (Superbad)
Did you hear the story about West Ham?
You know, the one about them being 3-0 down to their biggest rivals with 10 minutes to go and they pulled it back to draw 3-3?
Manuel Lanzini scored a goal of the season contender in the last minute to complete the comeback. It was remarkable. It's probably the coolest f**king story I've ever heard in my entire life.
12. Sassuolo (New Entry)
"Just surprised a little." (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)
Sassuolo proved themselves to be one of the better teams in Serie A during the tail end of the 2019/20 season, but they're sitting second in the league table after four games is still pretty surprising.
If - and it's a big 'if' - they can keep Domenico Berardi, Sassuolo could be set to enjoy their best Serie A campaign ever.
11. Manchester City (Re-Entry)
"I haven't been acting correctly. I can't hardly recognise myself sometimes when I'm greased. I go on journeys out of my body and look at my red hands and my mean face and I wonder about that man who's gone so wrong. I've been becoming a problem to myself." (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)
Over the past few months it's become abundantly clear that Pep Guardiola's inability to coach a defence is Man City's achilles heel.
And while we fully expect that to be City's undoing once again this season, credit where it's due - they won a few games recently. Well done.
10. Atalanta (Down 8)
"I'm just making fun is all." (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)
There's been an average of 5.4 goals per Atalanta game so far this season.
You don't actually like football if you don't watch Atalanta games.
It's as simple as that.
9. Liverpool (Re-Entry)
"I only remember certain details, but from what I've been able to reconstruct, it was raining, I was going about 50 miles an hour as I went into a corner, did some wrong steering, wheels went out from me, and suddenly, 'Whoo', skidded off the road, slammed into a ditch and got catapulted 50 feet through the air." (The Darjeeling Limited)
I only remember certain details, but from what I've been able to reconstruct, it was overcast, Virgil van Dijk was going after the ball in the box at near 50 miles an hour and as he went for it, a big buffoon called Jordan Pickford arrived and suddenly, 'Whoo', Pickford lunged into VVD's right leg and chopped it like a scissor through paper, catapulting him 50 feet through the air in the process.
8. Tottenham Hotspur (Down 4)
"That was one goddamn helluva show." (There Will Be Blood)
Right, the 3-3 draw with West Ham was a slight disaster, but Spurs didn't play badly by any stretch of the imagination.
They also followed up that disappointment with a pretty convincing win in the Europa League. It's still all gravy at Tottenham.
7. LOSC Lille (Up 7)
"...Then I woke up." (No Country for Old Men)
At some point, likely pretty soon, LOSC Lille will wake up from their dream start to the 2020/21 season.
Let's enjoy it while it lasts though Lille fans.
6. RB Leipzig (Up 3)
"Fogell, I don't understand why you we're smoking cigarettes with those cops."
"Because I f**kin' rule?" (Superbad)
There's a pretty simple reason why RB Leipzig are still absolutely exceptional despite selling Timo Werner: Julian Nagelsmann f**kin' rules.
5. SSC Napoli (Up 3)
“Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it’s time to rock and roll.” (Hot Fuzz)
After being deducted a point for following health guidelines to ensure the safety of their players - yes, that's literally what happened - SSC Napoli decided that it was time to rock and roll.
And last weekend they really did rock and roll all over Atalanta in an emphatic 4-1 win.
4. Aston Villa (Up 3)
"He's seen the same things I've seen, and it's certainly made an impression on me." (No Country for Old Men)
Ross Barkley has certainly made an impression on me since joining Aston Villa.
The 26-year-old, along with Jack Grealish, ran the show in Villa's emphatic 7-2 win over Liverpool before following that up with a match-winning goal in a crucial meeting with Leicester City.
3. Everton (-)
"I already manage a couple of bands, but between you and me, they couldn't sniff the sweat around your bollocks. You lot are something else. I hold my hands up! I am a believer in Joy Division! F**king hallelujah!" (Control)
I've watched quite a lot of Premier League teams play in the past week or so, but between you and me, they couldn't sniff the sweat around Everton's bollocks. That lot are something else.
I hold my hands up! I am a believer in Everton! F**king Hallelujah!
2. AC Milan (Up 3)
“This s*** just got real!” (Hot Fuzz)
AC Milan are now *checks notes* unbeaten in their last 20 competitive outings and have won *checks notes* all eight of their games so far this season.
This s**t just got real!
1. Bayern Munich (Up 1)
"I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!" (There Will Be Blood)
Right so we've compliment quite a few footballs today, haven't we? We've praised Atalanta for being good craic, Lille for defying all expectations, AC Milan winning all their matches, but none of these teams come close to Bayern Munich.
Bayern Munich are the best team in Europe. That's a fact.