Following a week in which:
- Liverpool lost at Anfield AGAIN.
- Romelu Lukaku played ridiculously well AGAIN.
- Mason Mount proved that he's actually quite a good footballer AGAIN.
We at DEPR headquarters have decided to rank the 15 best teams in Europe using quotes from this year's Golden Globe winning films and tv shows.
15. Tottenham Hotspur
"I'm due. Heck, I'm overdue." (Soul)
Gareth Bale is finally starting games of football for Tottenham Hotspur - hallelujah! It's a miracle!
Gareth Bale is fully fit - hallelujah! It's a miracle!
Gareth Bale is playing extremely well because he's an extremely good football - halle...well, no, that's a not a miracle, we all know he's amazing and we're all glad that he's finally showing his worth again.
"I know what I'm doin'." (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom)
Ajax just know what they're doing in the Eredivisie.
They score more goals than anyone else (18 more to be exact), they concede less goals than anyone else (six less to be exact), and they are quite obviously top of the league and cruising to yet another league title.
"She's made something of herself." (The United States vs Billie Holiday)
It wasn't that long ago that Josip Ilicic looked set to go down as a 'wonderkid who turned out to be a bit sh*t' - it was only about four years ago actually.
However now, after a few incredible seasons at Atalanta, Ilicic has clearly proved all his doubters wrong and made something of himself, and used that bucketload of talent everyone knew he had all along.
12. VfL Wolfsburg
“Very nice!” (Borat's Subsequent Move Film)
Yes, VfL Wolfsburg did lose to RB Leipzig in the Pokal in midweek, BUT they have also won six of their last season league games and are currently third in the table.
That is very nice!
"Don’t take this the wrong way, but is this car your home?" (Schitt's Creek)
The comeback win over Sevilla in the Copa del Rey semi-finals was great.
The fact that Barcelona are on the verge of bankruptcy and could very well be playing their home games in the back of some rundown pickup truck in the not too distant future isn't so great.
"One doesn't want to feel second best." (The Crown)
Hands up who thought that Everton would be ahead of Liverpool in the Premier League table in March?
Put your hands down! You're all lying!
No one expected Everton to be this good, no one expected Liverpool to be this bad, and no one expected Everton to be the best team in Merseyside right now.
9. Paris Saint-Germain
"This isn’t the Great Beyond. It’s the Great Before." (Soul)
It feels like this is the Great Before for Paris Saint-Germain.
With Mauricio Pochettino at the helm, Kylian Mbappe probably being priced out of a move anywhere anytime soon, and Neymar genuinely wanting to be at the club for the first time, we could be witnessing the start of a period of Champions League dominance for PSG.
8. Sporting CP
“This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage…I was half expecting early Unabomber.” (Schitt's Creek)
After Sporting CP sold their best player in January 2020 (Bruno Fernandes...obviously), it's fair to say that people expected the club to regress a fair bit.
And yet, here they are in March 2021 sitting top of Liga NOS and having not lost a single league game all season. Impressive stuff.
7. RB Leipzig
“You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you." (Schitt's Creek)
Much like Sporting CP, RB Leipzig has been impressively able to keep on truckin' after selling their best player (Timo Werner).
Julian Nagelsmann's side are just two points adrift of Bayern in the Bundesliga and they're scoring some ridiculously great goals - go find Marcel Sabitzer's strike against Hertha Berlin, it's a face melter.
"Do you see it now? Or should we finish this on the board?" (The Queen's Gambit)
So you see it now? You finally see that Mason Mount is actually a seriously gifted footballer?
5. LOSC Lille
"I am a revolutionary!" (Judas and the Black Messiah)
The following statement is surprisingly true:
LOSC Lille are top of Ligue 1.
They have Jonathan David to thank for that, as his two late goals in midweek saw off Marseille and kept PSG at bay (I'm not a rapper).
"I got my time coming to me." (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom)
Rangers need just four points to clinch their first SPFL title in over decade, and they can clinch said title at *checks notes* Parkhead when they play Celtic there on March 21. That is quite literally the dream scenario for Gers fans.
3. Bayern Munich
"You've been the best at what you do for so long, you don't even know what it's like for the rest of us." (The Queen's Gambit)
Robert Lewandowski has been the best at what he does for so long that he's now bagged 30 goals in a season for the six consecutive season, and in nine of his last 10 seasons overall. Ridiculous.
"A one. A two. A you-know-what-to-do." (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom)
Inter a-know-what-to-do: pass the ball to Romelu Lukaku at every given opportunity and let him go and win games on his own.
And it's working, in a big big way.
1. Manchester City
"These diamonds don’t officially exist." (I Care A Lot)
Manchester City's recent form:
Goals scored: 55
Goals conceded: 8
Pep Guardiola's team aren't officially Premier League champions, but they might as well be.
It's over, give that team the $10,000.