Following a week in which:
- Thomas Muller scored his MILLIONTH goal for Bayern Munich.
- Kepa Arrizabalaga made his BILLIONTH mistake since his world record move to Chelsea.
- Fulham conceded their TRILLIONTH goal of the season so far.
We at 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings HQ are BACK. And after a year of small screen escapades with the likes of Tony Soprano, Frasier Crane and Alan Partridge, we've decided that it's about damn time that we made our way back to the silver screen.
So this season, we're doing exactly that. We're swapping Tony Soprano for Don Vito Corleone, Frasier Crane for Bob Harris and Alan Partridge for Dr. Rumack, and each and every week of the 2020/21 European football season we're going to select one year in cinema, pick the best films from that year, and then nab some quotes from said films to describe your club's fortunes.
Here's week one's 15 best teams, brought to you by films from 2019:
15. Leeds United
"Now, don’t be so darn foolish. It’s the calm before the storm, Winslow. She were a gentle westerly wind you’re cursing. Only feels roughly because you don’t know nothing about nothing, and there ain’t no trees on this here rock like your Hudson Bay bush. Nor’Easterly wind will come soon a-blowing like Gabriel’s horn. Best board up them signal house winders." (The Lighthouse)
Now, Leeds United have started their first Premier League campaign pretty well. They're scoring a boatload of goals, they've ran Liverpool closer than every other team over the past year, and they've even won a game.
However, this is the calm before the storm. The nor-easterly wind of conceding wayyyyyyy too many goals will come soon a-blowing like Gabriel's horn. If Leeds are to have any hope of surviving and/or thriving in England's top flight, they need to board up that defence; and fast.
14. Leicester City
"So look...let's f**king bet on this." (Uncut Gems)
So look...let's f**king bet on this. Let's bet that Leicester City, after winning their first two games against terrible opposition, will crumble when they face a half decent football team...like Manchester City...on Sunday.
13. RB Leipzig
"In a war, you go from point A to point B. Sometimes, you spill a little beer along the way. That philosophy make sense to you?" (The Irishman)
In the quest to become Germany's elite football club, you go from point A to point B. Sometimes you spill a little beer along the way, you maybe sell your best players, everyone in Germany may start to hate your guts.
But with Julian Nagelsmann still at the helm, expect RB Leipzig to get to point B eventually.
12. Stade Rennais
"I want you to listen to me. What you’re doing is an act of hope. Do you understand that?" (Marriage Story)
Joint top of the table, recorded a win over a very good Monaco team, four points clear of Paris Saint-Germain.
What Stade Rennais are doing is an act of hope, and giving us the belief that maybe, just maybe, PSG won't completely run away with the Ligue 1 title again this season.
11. Crystal Palace
"Maybe someday you'll see it." (Parasite)
Crystal Palace fans bloody love Wilfried Zaha - more than other football fans ever will.
Maybe someday Zaha will see that, and realise that the grass won't be greener if he leaves Selhurst Park.
10. AC Milan
"I don’t know how he did it, and I ain’t going to ask." (The Irishman)
Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a physical anomaly.
The man's 38 years old and is still the best player at one of the best teams in Italy.
I don't know how he does it, and I ain't going to ask.
"I intend to make my own way in this world." (Little Women)
Despite not having anywhere near the level of talent, revenue, prestige, pedigree etc. etc. etc. as Barcelona and Real Madrid, Granada are still making their way in La Liga.
They've won their first two games of the season, and will be hoping to continue that fine form when they face Atletico Madrid this weekend.
8. Manchester City
"This is a twisted web and we're not finished untangling it...not yet." (Knives Out)
Sure, Manchester City have made some necessary signings during the summer transfer window, but they're not the finished article...not yet.
They still need a genuinely competent centre back, a left-back who can stay fit and, most importantly, FOR PEP GUARDIOLA TO STOP OVERTHINKING BIG GAMES.
"Your presence is made up of fleeting moments that may lack truth." (Portrait of a Lady on Fire)
Saint-Etienne's presence at the top of Ligue 1 is quite refreshing but it may lack truth because, well, they're not the best team in France...not even close.
"Hey! You're Rick f**king Dalton. Don't you forget it." (Once Upon a Time...In Hollywood)
You all forgot how good James Rodriguez is, didn't you?
Don't lie, of course you did. And it took two mesmerising performances from the Colombian playmaker to remind you, didn't it?
That's alright, just don't forget that he's James f**king Bond Rodriguez again - alright?!!
"I fell in love with him two seconds after I saw him. And I'll never stop loving him." (Marriage Story)
Juventus fans fell in love with Andrea Pirlo - the manager - after about two seconds of their first game of the new season.
And rightly so.
As within those two seconds it became clear that:
A) The reversion back to a 3-5-2 was a masterstroke.
B) Aaron Ramsey is going to be a superstar under Pirlo's tutelage.
C) The players actually understand what their new manager wants from them.
4. Borussia Dortmund
"It's like the tide going out. It goes out slowly, but it can't be stopped."
"I'll stop it. I've stopped it before." (Little Women)
They've stopped Bayern Munich before in the Bundesliga - but can they do it again?
However, having Ivan Drago's long lost son (Erling Haaland) for a full season will at least give them a slight chance of doing so.
"You look a tiger in the eye, and trust without fear." (Jojo Rabbit)
Arsenal have appointed Mikel Arteta, and trusted him without fear.
And what a decision that's turned out to be, as the ex-Man City assistant has done an exceptional job to date.
He's won two trophies (well, a trophy and a shield), beaten Liverpool and Man City, and started the 2020/21 season off with two tidy wins over London rivals. Lovely stuff.
"You might be demonstrating a failure to show appreciation." (The Irishman)
At the start of the season, pundits across England demonstrated a failure to show appreciation for just how much better Liverpool are than every other club in England by picking Man City as the favourites to win the title.
After two week of the new season, it's been made pretty clear that all of the aforementioned pundits are imbeciles.
1. Bayern Munich
"There is only one way this war ends." (1917)
Look, there's only one way this season ends, and that's with Bayern Munich winning yet another treble.
They are the best team in Europe and it's not even close.