Roll up, roll up, get your flops here! Two for one specials on the Premier League's most expensive disasters!
I wonder if West Ham United supporters are getting much sleep at the moment. If they are, you could probably here hushed mumblings of 'null and void, null and void' from their bedrooms, as they dream of happier days - days when they didn't have to watch the Hammers murder the beautiful game.
Since football's return, it's been nothing short of a disaster for David Moyes' side. Clashes with Wolves and Tottenham Hotspur never guarantee points on the board, but 180 minutes, zero goals scored and four conceded later, the writing is on the wall.
This one is going down to the wire. And in Moyes, they have a man who knows what it takes to get out of a relegation scrap - sadly, he doesn't possess what it takes, though.
Should West Ham do the unthinkable and fall through the trap door, there'll be a list of players as long as the London Stadium's running track desperate to ditch the east end for pastures new. That's the cruellest part of being a football fan.
The underperforming, disinterested stars who you pay to misfire and lead your team to misery and relegation then get to jump ship and pretend this nightmare never happened, while you're stuck with the pain and heartbreak for the rest of your life.
Not that it'll matter to some of these flops, though. So which of West Ham's stars are already planning their escape route, and where are they likely to go? 90min investigates.
No, before you berate me on Twitter, I know Declan Rice is not a flop. In fact, he's the shining light in this cesspit of misery, and all you can do is feel sorry for the youngster as he desperately tries to do the job of 10 other shadows on the pitch. But if the Hammer falls, Rice will not be dropping with it.
The holding midfielder is a target for a number of top Premier League sides, and he'll be the first to go in the summer fire sale. Both Manchester clubs have been linked with a move for Rice, but City are in more need of a defensive-minded star than the Red Devils at this moment in time.
Destination: Manchester City
How does Lukasz Fabianski keep finding himself in this position? After suffering relegation with Swansea, the Polish shot-stopper bagged a move to east London - where he has hugely impressed between the sticks. And it's no coincidence that West Ham's drop-off in form coincided with Fabianski's absence from the side with injury.
The 35-year-old still has a couple of years in him at the top, and a switch to a more secure Premier League side would be nothing less than he deserves. Perhaps a team of Southampton's stature would be a nice fit for the experienced goalkeeper.
The most West Ham signing ever. Incredibly exciting, hugely talented, but desperately inconsistent. And in a team struggling at the bottom of the league, unreliability is a trait that cannot be tolerated. Felipe Anderson has had a stinker of a season this year, and you have to wonder whether his heart's really in it anymore.
The Brazilian was probably promised the world upon arriving in London, but it's become apparent that the Hammers simply have been unable to keep their word to build a side worthy of European football around him. Anderson won't be sticking around - and I'm not sure there'll be too many disappointed West Ham fans, either.
The man signed from the Yellow Submarine has sunk like a stone. Pablo Fornals arrived from Villarreal with all the promise of a world-beater, capable of unlocking any defence in European football. But with a grand total of two goals and five assists - and a lot more disappointing displays - it's time to label this move as a big failure.
There can be no doubting the 24-year-old's quality, though, and in a side built to attack and entertain, Fornals could be the focal point for a very fortunate club. His future probably lies back in Spain, where he has already proven his true worth.
It's hard to blame strikers for underperforming at West Ham. There's an ever-lasting curse at that club, and there's nothing you can do about it. So Sebastien Haller stood little chance of breaking the norm when he signed in the summer for a club-record fee. After promising early signs, he has fallen foul of the West Ham way.
Haller has plenty to offer at the top level, and aged only 26, he will make a great striker for any team which can provide some quality in the final third, and the service the Frenchman needs to thrive. Whether a Premier League club will take that gamble remains to be seen however. A return to Germany could build up Haller's confidence of old.
Destination: RB Leipzig
How different would the Hammers' future have been had Manuel Lanzini avoided injury after injury? The Argentine playmaker is a real gem, but his fitness issues have prevented him from rescuing his floundering teammates.
Lanzini is loved by supporters for his commitment to the club - and his insane talent - but should West Ham fail to avoid the drop, they could not afford to keep a man of his value on the books. Liverpool have been known to raid the relegation party in previous years, and if the Reds are satisfied they can keep him fit, a surprise move to Anfield could be in the offing.
January's big signing Jarrod Bowen must toss and turn at night, replaying the moment he put pen to West Ham paper over and over again. The former Hull City star has endured plenty of pain in his short Premier League career, and his top-flight stay may be cut even shorter if this poor form continues.
But Bowen is not to blame for the club's demise, and there will be a queue of top-tier teams waiting to secure his services after missing out in the winter - and for a cut-price, too. The 23-year-old rejected Newcastle United over West Ham six months ago, but perhaps the prodigal son will have another chance to move to St James' Park come the summer.
Destination: Newcastle United