10 Completely Made-Up Transfers to Amuse Us Now Football Is Cancelled
By Ben Carter
There really is nothing quite like a summer transfer window.
It's where some of the most infamous sagas have been brought to life, even though more often than not European football's ITKs are just plucking names, clubs and transfer fees out of a hat to fill the back pages on fledgeling newspapers.
It seems like quite a good gig if you can get it. So here at 90min, we thought we'd try our best to create some nonsensical transfer rumours which could be passed off as fact this summer - largely because we don't have any football to watch at the moment.
Let's dive in...
Mesut Özil
Transferred From: Arsenal
Transferred To: Real Madrid
Fee: £40m
Real Madrid have ditched their transfer policy of signing wonderkids by completing a surprise move for Mesut Özil.
The German left the Santiago Bernabéu in 2013, but a seven-year spell with Arsenal has now come to an end in a surprising move by Zinedine Zidane.
It's suggested Zidane is stocking up on as many attacking midfielders as possible so he can keep Martin Ødegaard playing with their reserve team next season.
Joey Barton
Transferred From: Retired
Transferred To: RB Leipzig
Fee: Free
Joey Barton has come out of retirement in an attempt to boost RB Leipzig's reputation.
The 37-year-old, who was most recently the manager at Fleetwood Town, was disappointed to see Red Bull's Bundesliga project are only referred to as 'the most hated team in Germany'.
Barton is hopeful that together, along with new first-team manager Kim Jong-un, RB Leipzig will be universally known as the most hated team of all time.
Kazuyoshi Miura
Transferred From: Yokohama FC
Transferred To: Barcelona
Fee: £60k
The latest twist in the saga between Lionel Messi and Barcelona's director of football Eric Abidal has seen 53-year-old striker Kazuyoshi Miura move to Catalonia from Yokohama FC.
Abidal has become frustrated with Messi's criticism over the club's competitiveness, so in a last-ditch attempt to turn things around, Barcelona decided if fans can put up with Martin Braithwaite's signing then they might as well really push the boat out to see how much s*** the Camp Nou faithful can take.
Miura, who is the world's oldest footballer, is expected to start in El Clásico.
Yaya Sanogo
Transferred From: Toulouse
Transferred To: Arsenal
Fee: £30m + £1
After proving to be the main reason Toulouse were relegated from Ligue 1 this season, Arsenal have decided to re-sign Yaya Sanago to fill the boots of the outgoing Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.
The 27-year-old only scored one goal in his first stint in north London.
Arsenal were actually set to sign Lautaro Martínez from Inter, but they opted for Sanogo instead after assurances from Arsène Wenger that the former French wonderkid has finally turned a corner in his career.
Nicolás Gaitán
Transferred From: Lille OSC
Transferred To: Manchester United
Fee: £20m
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has achieved something that no other Manchester United manager has ever done before - secure a deal for Nicolás Gaitán.
The 32-year-old Argentine was lured away from Lille to the tune of £20m, where he will now form part of Solskjaer's young, British core.
The hope at Manchester United is that Gaitán will be able to act as a role model for their young English wonderkid, Jesse Lingard.
Adel Taarabt
Transferred From: S.L. Benfica
Transferred To: Tottenham Hotspur
Fee: £7m
Adel Taarabt was stunningly on his was to sign a contract at Chelsea when Tottenham Hotspur swooped in to secure the 30-year-old's signature.
Upon his arrival, Daniel Levy said: "I was still having sleepless nights about losing Willian to them lot.
"We didn't want or need Taarabt, but we've got our own back and we'll commemorate the occasion with a limited edition DVD, which will also be available in a bundle with films about our other achievements like reaching the Champions League final and finishing above Arsenal.
"As a luxury player who puts almost no effort in on the pitch, we've confident Taarabt is the perfect player for this side and he will work brilliantly under José Mourinho."
Alexandre Pato
Transferred From: São Paulo
Transferred To: AC Milan
Fee: £80m
Italian giants AC Milan have once again proved they really do know what they're doing by re-signing Alexandre Pato for a club-record fee of £80m.
The Rossoneri don't want to wait any longer in their hunt for the Scudetto, and the mastermind behind the transfer Ivan Gazidis is confident a partnership of Pato (30) and Zlatan Ibrahimović (38) can clinch top spot from Juventus.
Free agents James Collins, Mathieu Flamini and Dennis Aogo are also being lined up as Gazidis desperately looks to more than quadruple the average age of Milan's first-team squad.
Gonzalo Higuaín
Transferred From: Juventus
Transferred To: Berlin Zoo's five a side team
Fee: £7.5m
Gonzalo Higuaín has walked away from professional football and moved to Germany's capital to be closer to his one true passion; Döner Kebabs.
The former Argentina international will get a part-time job at the zoo in Berlin, where he will also captain their five a side team, to help fund his love for food.
In an exclusive interview, Higuaín revealed he has chosen Berlin as it's where the first-ever Döner Kebab was sold - just across the street from the zoo where he will now work.
The 32-year-old added he's confident he will be able to transition into his new job with ease, as he became "used to picking up other people's s***" during his loan spell at Chelsea.
N'Golo Kanté
Transferred From: Chelsea
Transferred To: Millwall
Fee: £50m
In a surprising turn of events, N'Golo Kanté has been able to force through a move to Championship side Millwall.
The France international, widely believed to be the nicest man in football, is confident that Chelsea's reputation has been irreversibly changed for the better and is now looking to turn another once hated club around.
Kanté also had offers from MK Dons, LAFC and even American baseball team the New York Yankees.
Giorgio Chiellini
Transferred From: Juventus
Transferred To: Red Bull Bragantino
Fee: Free
He's Serie A's longest-serving player, but Juventus legend Giorgio Chiellini wants a new challenge in South America at the end of the season.
Chiellini came to the decision after hearing rave reviews about the continent from Daniele De Rossi.
As the 35-year-old has such a strong connection with Italian football, he's opted to swap Italy's Serie A for the Campeonato Brasileiro Série A in Brazil.
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