Following a week in which:
- Liverpool SHOCKED the world by losing.
- Atalanta SHOCKED the world by thumping Valencia 4-1.
- Erling Haaland SHOCKED the world by scoring an absolute thunderb*stard.
- Manchester City SHOCKED the world by beating West Ham...well, maybe that wasn't shocking...
We, using quotes from pretty, pretty, pretty good TV show 'Curb Your Enthusiasm', rank the 15 best teams in Europe.
15. Sheffield United (Re-Entry)
"I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk."
Sheffield United didn't play this past week because, to quote Krishan Davis (I don't know any Sheffield United fans, ok): "They enjoyed some much deserved downtime after moving within two points of the top four."
14. Manchester City (Down 1)
"And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday."
"Anything could happen."
"A lot of people sue me."
Manchester City need lawyers.
Manchester City need a lot of lawyers.
Manchester City need a lot of the best lawyers in the world to appeal against UEFA's FFP sanctions, or they could be absolutely f**ked.
13. Inter (Down 11)
"Let's all go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob."
After Inter's harrowing, soul destroying, absolutely devastating defeat at the hands of title rivals SS Lazio, their fanbase all went upstairs, got under the covers and sobbed.
12. Paris Saint-Germain (Down 9)
"Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie. Grape pie? There's no grape pie."
Paris Saint-Germain work in Ligue 1. They sort of work in the Champions League group stages. I wonder why they don't work in the Champions League knockout rounds.
Paris Saint-Germain: Champions League winners?
That won't happen.
11. Marseille (Up 1)
"You don't respect wood."
While Andre Villas-Boas is still somewhat of a laughing stock in England, he's earning the respect he deserves in France by winning week in, week out with Marseille.
Les Pohoceens have won their last three Ligue 1 games, and are unbeaten in their last 14. Nice one.
10. Real Madrid (Down 5)
"Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?"
"My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me. It was upsetting at the time but, ummm..."
I mean, Real Madrid's 2-2 draw with Celta Vigo was probably quite upsetting at the time for Los Blancos fans, but it's not the end of the world.
They're still top of La Liga, and have lost just one league game all season. It's still all gravy, baybee.
9. Barcelona (Up 2)
8. Juventus (Down 1)
"I always think of nice things but never act on them."
Maurizio Sarri coming to Juventus and getting them to play exciting, passing football was a nice thought.
Sarri-ball was a nice thought.
It's just a pity it hasn't been acted on yet.
7. Bayern Munich (Re-Entry)
"It's people like you that are the problem."
"No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!"
After about a year of people telling you that Thomas Muller, Manuel Neuer and Jerome Boateng are finished and are a serious problem for Bayern, it turns out that they're the solution.
Because they're some of the key players in Bayern's post-Christmas surge to the top of the Bundesliga table. Thomas Muller, alone, has registered 14 assists in BuLi this season; that's Jadon Sancho numbers.
6. RB Leipzig (Re-Entry)
"You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon."
On Wednesday night, the Champions League pitted the baldy Mourinho against the 'mini-Mourinho', and we saw who has a cleaner, healthier col...ahem...I mean...we saw who the better manager was.
It's 'mini-Mourinho': Julian Nagelsmann.
5. Liverpool (Down 4)
"I think every erection is a miracle."
It's a miracle!!!!!!
Liverpool have lost a game of football!!!!
They actually lost!!!!!
And because they lost, the Reds have been knocked off their perch atop of 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings.
It's a miracle!!!!!!
4. Borussia Dortmund (Re-Entry)
"You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast."
'What is Erling Haaland? How is he this good?'
Well, you know, it's because he's kinda half-Ruud van Nistelrooy, half-Ivan Drago; half-Paul from Tekken, half-beast.
3. Atletico Madrid (Re-Entry)
"I'll have a vanilla...one of the vanilla bulls**t things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bulls**t latte, cappa thing. Whatever you got - I don't care."
Atletico Madrid's style of play is some seriously boring vanilla bulls**t, but bah gawd it worked against Liverpool in midweek.
After snatching an early goal at Wanda Metropolitano, Atleti - in true Simeone-ball fashion - sat back, defended for their lives, and spoiled the game at every opportunity.
It was boring af, but also pretty damn impressive.
2. Atalanta (Re-Entry)
"A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone."
An Atalanta game is an experience you have that makes you appreciate football.
They are BOX OFFICE.
They are, by some distance, the most exciting team to watch in Europe, and they're one of the best teams in Europe too.
This past week they absolutely hammered Valencia 4-1 at San Siro in their first ever Champions League knockout round game; scoring two of the best goals you're likely to see in the UCL this season in the process.
Oh, they also scored their 62nd and 63rd Serie A goals of the season - 11 more than any other team - in a huge win over AS Roma in Serie A.
They are BOX OFFICE.
1. SS Lazio (Up 3)
“Pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
Well Lazio fans, that win over Inter was pretty, pretty, pretty good, eh?
Sergej Milinkovic-Savic is pretty, pretty, pretty good, eh?
Ciro Immobile is pretty, pretty, pretty good, eh?
Simone Inzaghi is pretty, pretty, pretty good, eh?
Going on a 19 game unbeaten run in Serie A is pretty, pretty, pretty good, eh?
Being just one point adrift of top spot is pretty, pretty, pretty good, eh?