Like him or not, Jose Mourinho is the biggest manager in world football. Wherever he's gone since he won his first Champions League title in 2004, there's been a camera crew or reporter not far behind. He's a draw, he's a spectacle, he's not just box office, he's the whole cinematic industry.
Tottenham fans should buckle up and hold on tight - for better or worse, they're in for a bumpy ride. The highest highs and the lowest lows, how fitting of a club who just seemingly love a big piece of nonsense from time to time. Move over, Tim Sherwood, we have a new champion.
Let's take a look at all of the weird and wonderful things that are definitely going to happen to Tottenham under Mourinho.
Oliver Skipp Will Become the New Scott McTominay
After it became a mainstream opinion that Mourinho doesn't trust young players, he did all he could to assert his case that he does. Casting an eye over Manchester United's youth team in 2017, he picked the biggest guy he could find to just throw into the senior squad - ah yes, 6ft 3in Scott McTominay.
To the Scot's credit, he's turned out to be a decent player for United, and it'll probably be a trick Mourinho tries at Spurs, with Oliver Skipp - who's been likened to trusty Bond villain henchman Nemanja Matic - the most likely to be cast in the role.
Son Heung-min Will Play as a Left-Back, Obviously
However, that move was tactical to match-up a quick wide player against Victor Moses, whereas we're now probably going to get a solid flat back four. Proper Ashley Young transformation. Football's most likeable man is going to turn into a pragmatic no-nonsense defender.
Arsenal Won't Win a North London Derby While He's in Charge
Look on the bright side, Tottenham fans - there's no way Mourinho will let his ego be destroyed by Arsenal. Some drab 0-0s and 1-0s along the way, though never a defeat.
A Mourinho vs. Emery meeting will surely be up there with watching paint dry and counting sheep as cliches for the world's most boring endeavours, but at least Spurs won't be losing to their arch rivals any time soon.
Lucas Moura Will Be Bullied
Poor little Lucas, so precious yet so fragile. If you listen closely, you can hear Mourinho licking his lips at the prospect of finding someone to make an example of.
A lot of outsiders wondered why Pochettino never fully trusted Lucas, and the simple answer is he's far too inconsistent to be a starter, and his displays this season have often been wasteful and frustrating. How very Marcus Rashford of him. Get it booked - Lucas is going to end up crying on the pitch.
Pochettino and Tottenham's Trophy Record Will Be Mocked
April 2021, Tottenham 0-2 Bournemouth, post-match press conference:
"How many trophies did the manager before me win? How many did Tottenham win before I joined? Zero. Zero. Respect, respect."
It's just so nailed on.
Tottenham's Dark Arts Will Be Taken Up a Notch
An underlying part of Spurs' progression under Pochettino was their ability to hold their own physically against bigger sides, citing Juventus as the masters after they were dumped out of the Champions League in 2018.
If there's one man whose arts are darker than Juve's, however, it's one
Battle of the Bridge 2.0
While Chelsea head to Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on December 22, where Mourinho will inevitably get into a scuffle with disciple Frank Lampard, it'll be when he returns to Stamford Bridge in February that'll be the main showpiece of the season to come.
Minute 1: Eric Dier red card.
Minute 2: Jose Mourinho punches Pedro for smiling at him.
Minute 3: Jeremy Clarkson and David Baddiel get Cantona Kung-Fu kicked.
Minute 4: Goal for Chelsea.
Minute 5: Match abandoned.
Spurs fan or not, tell me you don't what that to happen (sorry Pedro).
Hugo Lloris Gets the Iker Casillas Treatment
Captain for club and country? Check.
Abilities waning? Check.
Easy target because he's just a bit crap now anyway? Ohhh that's a big check.
Mourinho's gonna party like it's 2013.
He'll Mock Daniel Levy's Distinct Lack of Hair on His Head
During the halcyon days of Mourinho's spat with Pep Guardiola, he reportedly took a swipe at his appearance.
As quoted by El Confidencial via the Daily Mail, Mourinho said: "W