Winston Smith awakens in the basement of the Ministry of Love, groggy and dazed, scared and feeble.

He is not in a jail cell anymore. This is the place where nightmares live, where fears stew and marinate, for there is no place for these in the beautiful game.

This is football's Room 101.

Goal Music

Sergio Pizzorno

Anyone else lose that ecstasy when a goal is scored if it's then followed by a loud indie music? This isn't the darts, fellas. None of that here.

Number-Ordered Line-Up Graphics

What's the matter, guys? Scared the opponent is going to figure out your tactics if you post the team selection in formation order? Grow up.

The UEFA Europa Conference League

It's only existed for a few days but it's already the worst competition in the history of football.

Mike Dean

Mike Dean

The shine has worn off, Michael, but we're sure you could forge a career as a vlogger at Tranmere Rovers games.

'Tissuebox' Stadiums

Kosovo Training Session

No character, no detail, no characteristics; stadium architects of the 1990s were hitting control+c and control​+v when designing these bad boys.

Sponsored Celebrations

Virgil van Dijk,Trent Alexander-Arnold,Roberto Firmino

Is nothing in the game sacred anymore? ​Trent Alexander-Arnold's cracking strike against ​Chelsea at Stamford Bridge was followed up by a celebration promoting EA Sports FIFA's new Volta mode. Leave it out, mate.

Sweet Caroline

Arsenal FC v Tottenham Hotspur - Premier League

By all means, a world class song, there's no doubting that. However, it has no place in football anymore, every club and their mother is using it to celebrate a win. Turn Neil Diamond off and go to the pub.

Nets That Don't Make Satisfying Noises

David Silva,Ben Foster

Goals in football bring about an ecstasy that can't be compared, a release of chemicals in the brain that make the world a little better for a few moments. Unless the sound of them pinging in the net is rubbish. Then it's not a goal. 

Athletics Tracks

SSC Napoli v Cagliari Calcio - Serie A

The new claret carpet isn't fooling anyone, ​West Ham United. Or any ​Serie A club. Get these atmosphere-suckers out of my sight.

'The' MLS

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Trust a writer to take issue with a grammatical issue, sure. Doesn't mean that saying "the ​MLS" isn't wrong, though.​ These are the facts.

The 3pm Blackout

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United - Premier League

Listen, I promise you no one will ditch going to watch Doncaster Rovers vs. Shrewsbury Town if ​Southampton vs. ​Aston Villa is on the box. If you wanted to go to that game, you would go anyway. Please stop giving them viruses on their laptops trying to find somewhere to watch these 3pm games.

Beers That Don't Fill Up From the Bottom


Just go to ​Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, alright? It's a bit of a novelty but it guarantees that you don't get a bad pour and is just so much quicker.

Plus you get a free magnet with it, what more do you want?

The 'EFL'

Huddersfield Town v Fulham - Sky Bet Championship

It just sounds far too much like a certain political group, if you could even call them that, doesn't it?​ Just say 'The Football League', no abbreviation.

Penalties Not Being Taken By the Person Who Was Fouled

Paul Pogba

You know how in basketball when a player is fouled then they are the ones to take the free-throws? That's exactly what should happen in football. Would put an end to the tedious debates over penalty takers for a start.

Fan Signs


Now there's a good argument that these should remain in football because of the brilliant comedy value they bring - more often than not do fans signs come with spelling or grammatical errors, or just don't make any sense. But still, no place for them in football.​