Winston Smith awakens in the basement of the Ministry of Love, groggy and dazed, scared and feeble.
He is not in a jail cell anymore. This is the place where nightmares live, where fears stew and marinate, for there is no place for these in the beautiful game.
This is football's Room 101.
Anyone else lose that ecstasy when a goal is scored if it's then followed by a loud indie music? This isn't the darts, fellas. None of that here.
Number-Ordered Line-Up Graphics
What's the matter, guys? Scared the opponent is going to figure out your tactics if you post the team selection in formation order? Grow up.
The UEFA Europa Conference League
Confirmed: The name of the third UEFA club competition will be UEFA Europa Conference League.— UEFA (@UEFA) September 24, 2019
The new competition will start in 2021 and is aimed at giving more clubs in more countries a chance to participate in European football. #UEFAExCo
It's only existed for a few days but it's already the worst competition in the history of football.
The shine has worn off, Michael, but we're sure you could forge a career as a vlogger at Tranmere Rovers games.
No character, no detail, no characteristics; stadium architects of the 1990s were hitting control+c and control+v when designing these bad boys.
Is nothing in the game sacred anymore? Trent Alexander-Arnold's cracking strike against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge was followed up by a celebration promoting EA Sports FIFA's new Volta mode. Leave it out, mate.
By all means, a world class song, there's no doubting that. However, it has no place in football anymore, every club and their mother is using it to celebrate a win. Turn Neil Diamond off and go to the pub.
Nets That Don't Make Satisfying Noises
Goals in football bring about an ecstasy that can't be compared, a release of chemicals in the brain that make the world a little better for a few moments. Unless the sound of them pinging in the net is rubbish. Then it's not a goal.
Trust a writer to take issue with a grammatical issue, sure. Doesn't mean that saying "the MLS" isn't wrong, though. These are the facts.
The 3pm Blackout
Listen, I promise you no one will ditch going to watch Doncaster Rovers vs. Shrewsbury Town if Southampton vs. Aston Villa is on the box. If you wanted to go to that game, you would go anyway. Please stop giving them viruses on their laptops trying to find somewhere to watch these 3pm games.
Beers That Don't Fill Up From the Bottom
Just go to Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, alright? It's a bit of a novelty but it guarantees that you don't get a bad pour and is just so much quicker.
Plus you get a free magnet with it, what more do you want?
It just sounds far too much like a certain political group, if you could even call them that, doesn't it? Just say 'The Football League', no abbreviation.
Penalties Not Being Taken By the Person Who Was Fouled
You know how in basketball when a player is fouled then they are the ones to take the free-throws? That's exactly what should happen in football. Would put an end to the tedious debates over penalty takers for a start.
Now there's a good argument that these should remain in football because of the brilliant comedy value they bring - more often than not do fans signs come with spelling or grammatical errors, or just don't make any sense. But still, no place for them in football.