​It's that time of year again, that time of year when we look at West Ham's strikers and go '...them? Really?'


With the departures of Andy Carroll, Marko Arnautovic and Toni Martinez (christ!) this summer, the cupboard is bare. Like, 'Javier Hernandez and Jordan Hugill only' bare. They've managed to misnegotiate a deal for Maxi Gomez so badly that he's going to Valencia instead, and Bournemouth are giving Callum Wilson a new contract to keep him at the Vitality. 


It's a series of screwups that would have any other fanbase in turmoil, but this is business as normal in east London. Since David Gold and David Sullivan took over the club in January 2010, the club have signed 38 strikers. Andy Carroll has scored more than any of them, with...34 goals. 

Andy Carroll

It's so, so hard to overstate just how dreadful the club have been at signing strikers as we approach a decade of, as Sporting CP president Bruno de Carvalho called them, the Dildo Brothers. So let's just lay out the numbers. 


Striker​Goalscoring record
​Benni McCarthy0 in 13​
​Mido0 in 9​
Ilan​4 in 11​
​Pablo Barrera0 in 23​
​Frederic Piquionne11 in 62​
Victor Obinna​8 in 32​
​Demba Ba7 in 13​
​Robbie Keane2 in 10​
​John Carew2 in 21​
​Sam Baldock5 in 22​
​Brian Montenegro0 in 1​
​Terry Dixon0 in 0​
​Nicky Maynard4 in 17​
​Ricardo Vaz Te19 in 61​
​Modibo Maiga7 in 45​
​Andy Carroll34 in 142​
​Sean Maguire0 in 0​
​Marouane Chamakh0 in 3​
​Wellington Paulista0 in 0​
​Mladen Petric0 in 4​
​Carlton Cole9 in 5​6
​Jaanai Gordon0 in 0​
​Marco Borriello0 in 2​
​Mauro Zarate7 in 29​
​Enner Valencia10 in 72​
​Diafra Sakho24 in 71​
​Nene0 in 8​
​Nikica Jelavic2 in 14​
​Emmanuel Emenike2 in 16​
​Toni Martinez0 in 3​
​Ashley Fletcher1 in 20​
​Jonathan Calleri1 in 19​
​Simone Zaza0 in 11​
​Marko Arnautovic22 in 65​
​Javier Hernandez16 in 61​
​Jordan Hugill0 in 2​
​Oladapo Afolayan0 in 0​
​Lucas Perez6 in 19​

That's 203 goals in 957 games in all competitions, or 4.71 games per goal. By comparison, ​Cristiano Ronaldo has scored 465 in 466. Harry Kane is 23 goals behind on 180...in 318 games. That's 639 games fewer, stat fans. And he was 16 years old when the Davids took over.

You want more? ​Lionel Messi, in the time it's taken West Ham strikers to score 203 goals, has scored 502 times in club football. He's done it in 499 games. 

West Ham since Gold and Sullivan took over on 19th January 2010: 203 in 957 at 4.71.
Messi since 19th January 2010: 502 in 499 at 0.99. 

If you combined Glenn Murray and Troy Deeney since the start of the 2010/11 season, they'd have 214 goals in 613 games at 2.89 games/goal. And they're so average

This isn't a propaganda piece. There's no anti-G&S agenda. It's just stunning how bad ​West Ham are at signing strikers.