INT. EMIRATES STADIUM, BOARDROOM. DAY.
Chips Keswick (Arsenal director, old guy) & Stan Kroenke (Majority shareholder, old guy) sit at a long rectangular table, looking up at Unai Emery (Arsenal's manager. Looks a bit like Bela Lugosi), who is nervously pacing in front of a large whiteboard.
We need to sign some new players. I can not be expected to win games with that useless sack of sh*t Shkodran Mustafi in defence.
We understand. Who would you like to sign?
[Cutting in] We are giving you £40m to sign players this summer. Remember that.
[Exacerbated] How can I sign the players we need with only £40m? Crystal Palace want £80m for Wilfried Zaha alone.
Unai Emery runs out of the boardroom crying hysterically.
This is how we imagine the past few boardroom meetings have gone at Arsenal as the club painfully - and embarrassingly - attempts to stretch £40m to sign the myriad of players that they need this summer.
With the ridiculously stupid offer of £40m in five instalments for Zaha already in the books, we thought we'd speculate over some other bids Arsenals could lodge for Europe's best and brightest this summer:
Offer: £40 in four instalments (over the next eight years) + one free swing at Piers Morgan (to be used at any time over the course of the next year) + Carl Jenkinson.
This would be a much improved, and much less embarrassing offer than the one Arsenal have actually lodged.
Offer: £50m in 25 instalments over the course of the next 25 years + one 2019/20 Arsenal replica jersey (home or away) + one life-size cut-out of 'beautiful human being' Joe Allen + a half-eaten pack of strawberry Fruittella + one blu-ray of Brendan Rodgers' choosing from Stan Kroenke's personal (very personal) collection + Carl Jenkinson.
This deal would depend on one thing: how good Stan Kroenke's blu-ray collection is.
And possibly Manchester United's ability to match Leicester City's £80m valuation of Harry Maguire - but mainly the strength of that blu-ray collection.
Offer: £25m + 80 square miles of Stan Kroenke's ranch + 14 signed copies of 'Ian Wright: My Life in Football' + one item of Hector Bellerin's wardrobe (of Bellerin's choosing) + Carl Jenkinson.
Bellerin's wardrobe is vast and wacky, but it does have a few gems in it.