Planning Chelsea's summer transfer dealings doesn't even seem like something that Chelsea can do right now. But let's try it anyway.
Champions League football will be back at Stamford Bridge after a year of playing Hungary's finest, and that brings a wave of excitement with it. And money. A lot of money.
Although, what good is money if you can't even spend it? The Blues have that pesky two-window transfer ban to serve because they seemingly can't control themselves when it comes to signing young players.
Selling a player would leave Chelsea unable to sign a replacement, but that should not stop them. There's some real dead wood in this squad, and the sooner we can all move on from them, the better.
Now, we all know Chelsea, and we all know that they don't particularly enjoy doing things the easy way. They probably aren't going to sell any players, but I don't think I can cope with another year of knowing Danny Drinkwater is a Chelsea player (spoiler alert, he's on the chopping block).
This also isn't going to include all 100,000 of Chelsea's loan army, since 99,999 of them probably won't get anywhere near the first team anyway.
So, let's do this.
Kepa Arrizabalaga - KEEP - What a man Kepa is. After replacing He Who Must Not Be Named, Kepa has had an outstanding season. He already bleeds blue and, at just 24-year-old, Chelsea's goalkeeper position should be set for the next decade.
Willy Caballero - KEEP - To be fair, I don't think anybody particularly cares. However, Caballero has been a dependable backup and been a real professional during his time at Stamford Bridge. If he wants first-team football, then let him go. If he doesn't, great, he can stay.
Rob Green - RELEASE - A bit of an odd one to start with, bringing in Rob Green never made a lot of sense. I'd write "thanks for the memories" here, but the best thing has been when he embarrassed Marcos Alonso in training.
Eduardo - SELL - Is "force into retirement" an option? Eduardo seems like a great guy to have around, and the fact that he got the strangest contract extension of last summer suggests the Blues want him as a coach. Fingers crossed that happens soon.
Jamal Blackman - KEEP - If you'd forgotten that Jamal Blackman is still a Chelsea player, you're probably not alone. Once he recovers from his broken leg, he could make a solid home-grown third-choice shot stopper, but it's up to him really.
Cesar Azpilicueta - KEEP - Dave has been such a loyal servant to Chelsea, and he's one of the best leaders that the Blues have to offer. He has played pretty much every minute in the last few seasons, and still knows how to get the job done.
That being said, there have been a few chinks in his armour this season. There's no chance he should be sold, but maybe his role as a permanent fixture in the first team needs to be looked at next year.
Davide Zappacosta - SELL - Billed as one of the finest crossers in Italian football in 2017, Zappacosta has looked more like a Sunday League footballer than a Premier League star. The 26-year-old has been an expensive name on the bench all year, and there is just no point keeping him around.
Marcos Alonso - SELL - Handing Alonso a new five-year contract back in October 2018 has to go down as an awful piece of business. The defender does not know how to defend, and masks his frailties with a solid number of goals.
If a defender can't defend, they probably should not be paid like one of the world's finest. Unfortunately, his contract probably bumps up his transfer value, and nobody is going to pay.
Emerson - KEEP - It may have taken Maurizio Sarri around six months to clock that Emerson is a better option than Alonso, but the important thing is he finally has. The 24-year-old is still not close to the standard that Chelsea want him to be at, but he has shown the potential to get there.
He has done enough to earn at least another year at the Bridge, and surely has to stay ahead of Alonso in the pecking order.
Reece James - KEEP - Future England captain. Future Ballon d'Or winner. Lionel Messi's one true idol. All these things are true about Reece James (don't look that up).
The 19-year-old is an absolute machine at right-back, and has earned an outrageous level of respect across the country for his stunning showings with Wigan Athletic this year. He might not be ready to start every game for Chelsea, but James rotating with Azpilicueta sounds like a dream for Blues fans.
Baba Rahman - SELL - The Ghanaian was supposed to be Chelsea's left-back for the next ten years, but a string of injuries has completely ruined him. He's not the player he once was and, if anyone will actually take him, Chelsea should not hesitate to part ways with Rahman.
Jay Dasilva - KEEP - Bristol City have the option to sign Dasilva permanently this summer after an impressive loan spell, but Chelsea should do everything to convince him to stay. If Alonso goes (and we can all pray that he does), a spot as Chelsea's backup left-back would be Dasilva's for the taking, and fans would love to see him make it at the Bridge.
Ola Aina - KEEP - Similarly, Torino can sign Aina this summer if he wants to leave Chelsea, but the Blues can't let that happen. The irony is that Chelsea handed Torino silly money for Zappacosta, loaned them Aina in return, and the Nigerian is now the better player. Proper Chels.
Antonio Rudiger - KEEP -
A vital part of the present and the future, Rudiger shouldn't be anywhere close to the exit door this summer.
David Luiz - KEEP - After signing his new two-year deal, Luiz isn't going anywhere. And that's okay. He's a good defender, but shouldn't be the kind of untouchable starter which he has been this year.
A role on the bench is the perfect plan for Chelsea, who can give his starting spot to somebody who doesn't leave you terrified every time the ball comes near him.
Andreas Christensen - KEEP - The Dane should be Rudiger's permanent partner. He's a great passer, a determined defender and a product of the youth academy, which excites the fans every time he is on the pitch.
He has shown his flaws, but who hasn't in this Chelsea team? It's time for Luiz to drop out and make way for Christensen, as the Blues prepare for the future.
Gary Cahill - RELEASE - The only thing Cahill hasn't won at Chelsea is the heart of Sarri, who clearly did not share the same affection towards Cahill as the rest of the fans. His contract is up and he's off to pastures new. It's not the ending anyone wanted, but hey ho.
Ethan Ampadu - KEEP & LOAN - Surely a vital part of the future. However, if Sarri isn't going to play him (which he is not), then Ampadu needs a spell away from Chelsea to develop. Let the rest of the country enjoy his crunching tackles and Sideshow Bob-esque hair.
If chelsea let zouma go on a permanent, the whole board needs to be sacked— Alex (@TryingToAlex) May 14, 2019
Kurt Zouma - KEEP - This wouldn't even be a debate if he hadn't have suffered that devastating injuries a few seasons ago. Zouma was a starter and probably the best defender at the club, and he has shown that kind of form again this season with Everton.
Finding a spot in the lineup is tough, but he deserves his shot. Plus, his middle name is literally Happy, and that is what Chelsea need right now.
Fikayo Tomori - KEEP & LOAN - A star in Derby County's push for the top flight, Tomori should be loaned out to a Premier League team next season, in the final step of his development. If he impresses, then a spot at Chelsea could await.
Trevoh Chalobah - KEEP & LOAN - The same goes for big Trev, who has been one of the stars of Ipswich Town's calamitous season. He's not ready yet, but it's a good start.
Jorginho - KEEP - An integral cog in the 'Sarri-ball' machine, Jorginho has quietly been one of Chelsea's top performers. With time, everyone will realise that (as long as he keeps wearing his magic headband).
N'Golo Kante - KEEP - Do I even need to explain why Chelsea should keep one of the world's best midfielders? Kante has adapted well to Sarri's system, and is still a dominant force.
Ruben Loftus-Cheek - KEEP - Is it far-fetched to say Loftus-Cheek is Chelsea's second-best player, behind Eden Hazard? He's an absolute machine, and has finally won a place in the lineup. The future is bright.
Mateo Kovacic - DO NOT SIGN - Because of Loftus-Cheek's emergence, Kovacic needs to go. The Real Madrid loanee has taken his place in the lineup for too long, and Chelsea just don't need him anymore. If he wasn't so terrified of attacking, maybe this could have worked out better.
Chelsea’s left centre-mid options in 2018/19:— Alex McGovern (@AlexMcGovern11) May 9, 2019
Loftus-Cheek: 10 goals, 5 assists (38 apps)
Barkley: 5 goals, 6 assists (43 apps)
Kovacic: 0 goals, 2 assists (47 apps)
I know who I want starting next season
Marco van Ginkel - SELL - Injuries have ruined Van Ginkel's Chelsea career. For the good of everyone, it's time to move him on.
Danny Drinkwater - SELL - Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Arguably the club's most ridiculous signing of the Roman Abramovich era, Drinkwater should be nowhere near this club. Get him gone.
Ross Barkley - KEEP - Barkley is by no means the future at Chelsea, but as a talented Englishman, he holds plenty of value. That's not to say the Blues should reject every bid for him, but there's no reason to cash in now.
I’m going to be the one that says it.— ً (@Lewis_SZN) April 6, 2019
Bakayoko deserves a second chance at Chelsea Football Club.
Tiemoue Bakayoko - KEEP - This is a tough one. The Premier League version of Bakayoko is a headless chicken, whilst the Monaco and AC Milan version is a destructive force. He has probably earned himself a second chance, but he better take it.
Mason Mount - KEEP - Another Derby star, Mount looks ready for Premier League football. The dream would be to offer him that with Chelsea, but he should only stick around if he is going to see more than seven minutes of action all year.
Attacking Midfielders & Wingers
Eden Hazard - KEEP - Chelsea need to try and keep Hazard until the day it becomes impossible. Sign the contract, Eden. Please.
Pedro - SELL - Probably Chelsea's second-best winger this season, but it is time to move on. He has been great, but often left fans wanting more. At 31, that's probably only going to get worse, so it's time to usher in a new wave of talent.
Willian - SELL - If Chelsea fans come together, they might be able to raise enough money to terminate Willian's contract at the Bridge.
Kante scored more goals than Willian, a Winger, this season.— C A R E F R E E • #SarriIN (@CarefreeEdition) May 12, 2019
Christian Pulisic - KEEP - A pretty obvious one here. Chelsea have only just signed the American, so it's time to see what he can do.
Callum Hudson-Odoi - KEEP - Selling Hudson-Odoi would be an utter travesty. It doesn't matter how much Bayern Munich want to bid, the 18-year-old is special.
It's clear that he wants to play for Chelsea, and he could be the club's next Hazard if they manage his development well enough. Chucking Pedro and Willian overboard would give Hudson-Odoi a clear path to the first team, and everyone would be happy with that.
Kenedy - SELL - It seems like Chelsea may have messed up when it comes to Kenedy. The Brazilian was a future star, but has flopped at Newcastle United this season. Two Premier League loans haven't helped, so time is up.
Charly Musonda - KEEP & LOAN - After missing a year through injury, it feels as though next season will be crucial for Musonda. He has shown flashes of brilliance, and should get at least one more chance to prove himself.
However, he does need to sort his attitude out. You can't just unfollow everyone on Instagram when times get hard.
Victor Moses - SELL - From outcast to title-winning star, Moses is an outcast once more. He's just a spot in the loan army. Bye bye.
Gonzalo Higuain - DO NOT SIGN - Extending Higuain's loan, or even signing him permanently, should be against the law. The 31-year-old is not the man Sarri told fans he would be, and he's just an expensive burden.
He can't score goals, and he can barely even run. He may have been good in 2016, but it is not 2016. It is 2019, and Higuain is not a top-tier forward.
Olivier Giroud - SELL - The fact that Giroud has been Chelsea's best striker for the last year tells you everything you need to know about the club's struggles. He just hasn't been good enough, and there are better alternatives around.
Chelsea really had Tammy and went to sign Higuain lol— ME (@whoelsebut_ME_) May 14, 2019
Tammy Abraham - KEEP - Fans were calling out for the prolific Abraham after watching Higuain miss yet another sitter against Leicester City, and with good reason. Tammy scores goals, and he wants to make it at Chelsea. You know he will give everything for the shirt and, with his ability, goals are bound to follow. He's ready.
Michy Batshuayi - KEEP - Batshuayi wasn't given a fair chance under Sarri, but surely the Italian has been impressed with his form at Crystal Palace. He's a natural goalscorer, and that is what Chelsea are crying out for.
Alvaro Morata - SELL - After watching Morata, it's hard to believe Chelsea managed to downgrade by picking up Higuain. Maybe the club should try playing a striker who isn't awful.