Trick or Treat: Picking a Halloween XI of Football's Scariest Characters

You know what day it is. It's the 31st of October. You don't need reminding. All you need is some footballing puns that revolve around this spooky occasion.


So sit back, relax, crunch on that toffee apple, and read our Halloween themed starting XI, organised in a frighteningly unbalanced 3-4-3 and playing their home games at the Estadio HELLRiazor. 

1. GK: Burned Leno

Ok, it's a bad start. I won't deny it. 


But we're trying to steer clear of the generic Kasper Schmeichel spiel that you see every year. Give us a chance. 

2. CB: Faouzi Ghoulam

I don't know if you've noticed, but there was no alteration needed for Faouzi Ghoulam. That's the beauty of it. The Napoli man already has Ghoul in his name. Brilliant. 


It's also meta because he'd be shockingly bad in a three at the back.  

3. CB: Phil Bones

I'll be honest, Phil Bones is poor. It's a weak effort. It's just an excuse to get the man himself on this list. Because the man himself is utterly terrifying. 


If fancy dress shops sold masks of Jones' various mid-game face distortions, they would probably be banned - way too graphic.

4. CB: Phil JagiHELLka

This one's really good. Because, not only does Phil JagiHELLka definitively work, it also allows us to have a Jones-Jagielka defensive axis, which is the scariest thing you'll see this year. 


Apologies for the nightmares. 

5. CDM: Steven N'Zombie

One of my favourites. The Frenchman was certainly channelling his undead alter ego when he went to head this ball. 


Now, if it is unearthed (good pun) that the midfielder is actually a zombie, he's certainly a graceful one. Maybe he could form a band...The Graceful Dead? 


Ok, I'm done. 

6. LCM: Thiago Alcanterror

This one's a bit more generic, but if your team has ever played against the Spanish midfielder, you'll know just how gruesome his reign of terror can be when he's firing on all cylinders. 


Look, I know that was poor, but we're trying to be orginal here. You win some, you lose some. 



7. RCM: Sergej Milinkowitch-Sawitch

Ah, our first witch. If you've ever seen one of these lists, you'll know this a popular choice. It's easy work. 


But the Lazio man has got to be one of the best out there, because you can double down on the pun. And you should never turn down an opportunity to double down on a pun. That's a crucial lesson. 

8. CAM: Max Michael Meyers

A return to form, if I don't say so say myself. 


If that death stare doesn't conjure up visions of 'Halloween' killer Michael Myers, then I don't know what will. 


He doesn't even need the mask. 

9. LW: Timothy Weahwolf

The first and only teenager on this list, George Weah's precocious son is also the sole member of this spooky starting XI to have ties with Michael J. Fox. 


BECAUSE THEY'VE BOTH BEEN A TEEN WOLF. 


Thank you. 

10. ST: Robin Vampirsie

I've scoured the internet for a good 30 seconds, and I couldn't find one picture of Robin Van Persie's teeth.


Now, I'm not saying that's conclusive proof that the Dutchman is in fact a vampire, but it is convenient. Almost as convenient as the placing of that hand up there. What are you hiding, Robin?

11. RW: Cengiz Ündertaker

In February 2018, Cengiz Ünder rose to prominence after scoring his first goal for Roma. He came out of nowhere. He was wise beyond his years. It was suspicious. 


It's almost like - now bare with me - he had unrivalled access to the secrets of the dead, or something. 

12. Manager: Guus Beheaddink

Last and definitely least, we have the man charged with banding together this bunch of outlaws. 


At this point, we're tired, you're tired, and we've ended up with Guus. I can't tell you how it happened. I can tell you it was a toss up between that and Mass-murder-imiliano Allegri, so you're welcome. I guess.