Picture the scene...
It's the last day of the Premier League season, and spirits are pretty damn lively. You breeze into the kitchen, making an early start on the half time refreshments. The kettle is on, and you pile a plate high with Jammy Dodgers. Two? Three? Four! Why not? You've earned it. As you stride back into the living room, you are met with a sight that will haunt you for eternity.
Your father - wide-eyed and pale - arm stretched out towards the television with a trembling, pointing finger. "K-K-Kane! Look, my child! Look!". Your eyes swivel towards the plasma screen, and there he is. Harry Kane. Harold Edward Kane.
Writhing on the floor in agony, his leg twisted up behind his head at an angle that even the most seasoned of yoga experts could never achieve. His howls echoing around the cavernous Wembley Stadium. The commentators confirm the worst of fears, that he will indeed be ruled out of the World Cup 2018.
Somewhere many miles away, Peter Crouch swiftly cancels his summer holiday to wherever giants go on holiday to these days, and starts oiling up his robot joints. A wicked, menacing grin spreads slowly across his face.
Needless to say, this nightmare scenario simply shouldn't be allowed to happen, and it's the Premier League's responsibility to ensure it doesn't.
Here are six rather novel steps they could take to make sure our majestic, glorious Kane (who is currently carrying a knock, by the way!) is protected ahead of the World Cup 2018...
6. Equip Him With Custom-Made Electrified Shin Pads
While the traditional shin pad has proved a worthy adversary to the two-footed tackle over the years, they can only go so far in preventing a serious injury. It is for this reason I present to you, the electrified shin pad.
Possessing just the right amount of voltage to send an opponent flying across the turf without causing serious harm, this nifty device could go a long way in deterring Kane's opponents from attempting any cheeky, pre-World Cup two-footers.
I think we can all agree that the image of Ryan Shawcross being catapulted into the second tier at Wembley Stadium is a rather enjoyable one.
5. Give the Man a Segway!
Sure, we could let ol' Hazza stomp about the pitch with the rest of them until May, or we could provide him with one of the most glorious inventions of the 21 Century: The Segway.
There's no denying that seeing the Spurs talisman tear down the field on his own two feet is a divine sight, but that's going to get pretty tiring by the end of the season.
With a Segway, Kane can power up the park without breaking a sweat - the cool Wembley air billowing through his flaxen locks - to nod home Christian Eriksen's pin-point passes with aplomb.
Don't even get me started on the potential celebrations with the two-wheeled bad boy.
4. Give Him a Work Experience Stint in Fast Food
Unless you're lucky enough to possess the talent of professional footballer, chances are you'll need to do some work in the catering industry at some point in your life.
Now, it would be churlish to exclude Kane entirely from the beautiful game until May, so why not let him set up shop right outside the hallowed gates of Wembley with his own range of fast-food delights?
After all, football is a notoriously short career, and picking up some valuable experience in the chicken frying game could prove a shrewd move for the striker as he looks towards retirement options.
3. Enlist a Pack of Rabid Yet Loveable Security Dogs
Drastic times call for drastic measures, and if a crack team of loyal pooches is what it takes to protect Kane then the Premier League need to take steps make this happen.
Harry is well-known for his love of man's best friend, so why not give him his own pack of hounds to surround and protect him on the pitch? 'Harry's Canines™', if you will.
As an additional bonus, Paul Pogba's nauseating dab celebrations will pale into insignificance against the fully-choreographed, Labrador dance routines to 'Who Let The Dogs Out?' that will follow every time Kane bags a goal.
2. Stick Him in Goal, He's Done it Before!
Now this could really work a treat, and he's had the experience of doing it before - after scoring a hat-trick no less!
Indeed, in October 2014 Kane was given the gloves after Hugo Lloris was sent off against Asteras Tripoli in the Europa League. Sure, he was about as useful as tent made of rice paper, but the big man did a job.
Spurs fans may well take issue with their goal-scoring hero being forced to stay between the sticks, but there's nothing stopping Mauricio Pochettino allowing him to remain on penalty-taking duty, is there?
1. Forget the Cotton Wool, Wrap Him in an Orb.
To be fair, football orbs have a pretty rough existence. Generally serving as a vessel for boozed-up, vodka-breathed, stag party attendees to lark around in, they experience the darker side of the beautiful game.
Well, it's time for a change. Wrapped in an airtight cocoon of bouncy plastic safety, Kane will be free to zoom around the pitch - springing off his opponents and giving the orb a new lease of life.
Having said that, the orb does leave Kane's legs cruelly exposed, if anything making them more of a target.