Picking a Team of Footballing Heavyweights Who Could Replace Theresa May and Her Cabinet

​Right, well. Politics has broken. The news is in shambles. Theresa May has just about finished sorting out her new Cabinet as Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. 


But...couldn't a rag-tag bunch from the footballing world do just as good a job? 

11. Prime Minister: David Beckham

Ideally, a country's Prime Minister would be a figure of real charisma, well-liked both at home and abroad - and well-intentioned to boot. 


David Beckham fits the bill. No, really, he kind of does. An excellent relationship with the US can't hurt either, and he's proved time and time again in recent years that he's got a much sharper brain that people used to give him credit for. 

10. Secretary of State for Defence: Antonio Conte

​He may be a new addition to the Premier League, but Antonio Conte's defence credentials are well-known. If anybody had forgotten just how solid his ​Juventus team were at the back, his Italy side provided a timely reminder of his prowess at Euro 2016. 


He would probably need a sidekick though - he's also got a habit of being...shall we say, fiery and impulsive?

9. Chancellor of the Exchequer: Daniel Levy

​After George Osborne's opinion-splitting reign as Chancellor, it's time for someone to take the role who has experience in keeping pretty tight control over the purse-strings.


If the name Daniel Levy doesn't spring immediately to mind...well, that probably just means you haven't spent the last couple of hours overthinking links between football and politics. He fits the bill though. 

8. Brexit Minister: Roy Hodgson

​Yes, it's a real position, as of the last couple of days. The official title is 'Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union', but the informal 'Brexit Minister' will do us just nicely - just like how Roy Hodgson is really just 'Woy'. 


Not even going to bother explaining the rationale behind this one. You know. You all know. 

7. Foreign Secretary: Jamie Vardy

​Going along with the apparent new trend of appointing foreign secretaries who have had some - shall we say - issues with race relations in the past...Jamie Vardy! 


Vardy's racial abuse of an Asian man in a casino last year put him in the perfect position to jump into the role newly filled by Boris 'had to apologise for referring to black people as 'flag-waving piccaninnies'' Johnson. 

6. Secretary of State for Health: Jack Wilshere

​What better way to get a real view of the issues in the health system than to be a constant user of said system yourself?


There's scarcely a body part that Jack Wilshere hasn't had treated over the years - and he's probably a handy walking (well, hobbling) notice board for the dangers of smoking. It'll damage your, er, ankles. 

5. Secretary of State for Education: Joey Barton

In the absence of a real, well-known brainbox like Clarke Carlisle in the game at the moment, it's left to the pseudo-​intellect of Joey Barton to pick up the pieces and deal with education. 


Yes, the youth of the future will be well-provided for...if all they need are misappropriated quotes and circular arguments from a bloke who thinks he's much smarter than he is. On the other hand - it's not like things can get that much worse. 

4. Secretary of State for Justice: Lionel Messi

​#WeAreAllConvictedTaxFrauds

3. Secretary of State for Business: Jorge Mendes

​You might not be a fan of Jorge Mendes. You might not even like him. Maybe you think he and his shadow-y agent ilk should be cast out of football for good, never to return. Maybe...hang on, there was meant to be a point there. 


Whatever. Love him, hate him, he's good at what he does. And at a time where Roy Hodgson is leading the Brexit negotiations, the UK needs all of the business help it can get. 

2. Secretary of State for Transport: Steve Claridge

Now a pundit and coach of Salisbury FC, Steve Claridge used to play for a few football clubs. Well, quite a lot of football clubs. 


Almost certainly the best-travelled player in English football, Claridge moved clubs 25 times in his career - not even including loan deals. If there's a man who knows the country's transport systems better, they've hidden pretty well. 


He was banned from driving for 12 months back in 2008 though. So, there's that. 

1. Home Secretary: Hakan Şükür

​Cards on the table - finding someone to fill the Home Sec spot was a bit tricky, so Hakan Şükür gets the job essentially on the basis that he actually has political experience, and that he's Hakan Şükür. 

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